It's a bird, it's a plane, no really, it's a plane

Hello blog readers, and by that I mean real people who came to Euphemisms of Life on purpose, and not led here astray by shifty search engines like a desperate human trafficker.


I took a two week break to gather my thoughts and to see if I have anyone who genuinely checks back to read my nonsense. Results show that my variations on the pictures I post are rather popular, as well as certain phrases. I might be the next Donald Trump or Paris Hilton; my catch phrase will be, "That's hot, you're fired." I'm glad neither of them read this, or I would owe them more money than I could possibly raise at a car wash to save my legs from being broken.


I always try to have something in the near future to look forward to, especially to get me through long work days and life's minor annoyances. 

Currently I'm dealing with our home flooding in different places every weekend, conveniently when management and maintenance are off duty. It's almost like a scene out of a horror movie, water coming out of the ceiling where the exhaust fan is, water trickling inside of the linen closet from god knows where, and as of today, water spraying out of the water heater in our storage closet like a sauna. Anyone know which retirement home I can find Aquaman at?


So I come to the conclusion that my family and I need to get away for awhile on vacation. The hardest part of course is going to be the wait. A couple of short weeks to go, but already I am going over the fine details in my head, and when I start thinking, the sarcastic hemisphere of my brain fires up.

I thought of some ways to make people feel more comfortable at the airport, but be warned they may not be fast nor efficient.


Terminal-ly Ill


First off, some airports are large and intimidating just approaching the unloading zones. I would eliminate these drop offs into two categories: "Within America" and "Elsewhere." Personally, I would think to myself, "Okay, this is pretty easy, I am not going out of the states so I go this way." I only say this because the last time I went to the airport there were so many terminals, I got lost right away. If I went to one of those large directories like in the shopping malls that indicated where you are with a star, it would read, "You are lost, dumbass."


In-security


Next, I thought about the security screening. I would make two lines: One for the ugly people and another for everyone else. This might make lines go faster since the unattractive flyers would rather be patted down than x-rayed. Who ever thought you would ever have to choose between someone grabbing your balls or looking at a picture of them? Whatever you do though, be polite, or you might just get a full body prison search by a handsome mustachioed woman named Betty Jean.


The second part of this is arriving in suitable attire. Wear a burlap sack with a drawstring and anything made out of wool or hemp. If you set off that metal detector, you might get deported, hopefully to your intended international destination. 


Thirdly, pack your bags wisely. If it looks like you are trying to smuggle C-3PO on your carry on luggage, you might be delayed a while. I'll have to remember to bundle up my cell phone charger and any other cords neatly and to put a sign that is visible through the x-ray conveyor that says, "No bombs here, have a nice day, smiley face."


Budget cuts = No nuts


Many airlines feeling the pinch of the recession and higher operating costs have had to cut back on some luxuries in addition to increasing fares, checking bags, etc. One of the things that people enjoyed in flight was the complimentary peanuts, pretzels, and soda, until most had to take them away. I would still like to give something back to the customers, therefore I would have my employees give complimentary compliments. For example if a woman asks a flight attendant for a drink, the flight attendant could say, "I'm sorry we don't have any complimentary beverages or snacks anymore, however, that shirt matches your eyes well."


Three strikes your out


I would have all the planes fitted with a trap door under each seat. Each passenger has three strikes before their trap door opens and they parachute to the ground (Only if they paid the extra $35 for the parachute option). 

Unacceptable behavior includes: coughing or sneezing all over the person next to you without covering your mouth, spending too long in the bathroom and or stinking it up, talking constantly and or laughing obnoxiously at a loud volume, etc.


Some things will have to be decided via rock, paper scissors, like, who gets the arm rest, the window seat, and so on.


Well that about wraps up my sarcastic take on revamping the airport. It's good to see you again, and I mean you, a real person. Not you, search engine people trafficker thingy.

Obey These New Traffic Signs

Driving can be fun, when it's something you want to do and not have to. Roads trips for example are a blast, for the most part, until you get to the last third of the trip when everyone is tired, hungry, and homesick. Not to mention spending long bouts of time with other people in close proximity, they tend to get grouchy and animalistic, doubly worse when it's friends and family to bicker with. Everyone turns into a diva.


But when I have to drive to work, driving becomes more of a chore. To begin with, the stress of  knowing you are about to spend the majority of your day indoors with the rude population sets the tone. Then racing the clock to arrive at the workplace on time, despite horrible drivers and seemingly overbearing stretches of road construction. I drive past a happy family with bikes and camping gear strapped to the roof of their car, just rubbing it in my face, I pull over and do a rain dance to spite them.


Let me ask you a simple question.  


Do you like or despise driving?


Either way, please enjoy the following modifications using driving scenarios, road signs, and a motor vehicle learning manual.


Back to the future junkyard

It seems that if you drive backwards for at least 6 seconds your car will explode. Either that or the person in the first car is elderly/from out of state and is causing each subsequent driver to be 3 seconds closer to losing their shit.


Also, do giants work for the department of transportation? Then who screwed in that enormous Phillips screw?


Go too slow, get the ray gun

When I get stuck between two cars driving at the same slow rate of speed blocking my path, I wait for one of them to get over. Then I make my move. I pass between them and shoot my blinding ray from both sides.


Don't stop, give props

This one may be a little dangerous and I also do not recommend anyone attempting this, but when done right, makes all the difference. 1 point for high fiving on the same road passing by, 2 points for high fiving while passing in opposite turn lanes.

Diamonds of weird warnings

I can deal with the bears, squids, and bees, but not the cat's butt-hole. Disgusting.


It's fun to stay at the

Sorry, couldn't help myself. 




There are many other signs that are pretty mediocre at best, including all of the tetris shapes. Could you imagine giant tetris shapes falling out of the sky?


In any case I wish everyone would take a second to think before they get in their cars and just

By the way, if you have any say about construction zones, please tell them to do sections at a time, do not close entire roads and not have any workers for spans of weeks at a time, and let me know ahead of time so I can plan accordingly!





Well, time for me to go. Thank you for stopping by, you are always welcome here.

More Like: New Years Devolutions

Let's get this out of the way, Happy New Years!


Great, now I have to get used to writing 2011. I'm going to bet, right now, that I forget and put 2010 for months. Oh well, at least I can only mess up for another year according to my Mayan calendar, it was on clearance.

This actually reminds me of something ridiculous my mom said to me about the movie 2012. We were talking about the end of the world aka the "apocalypse" and my mom says to me, "Have you seen the movie 2012 yet?" I said no. She then says to me, "It's based on a true story." I couldn't help but laugh at her and point out that not only were we 2 years away from 2012, but John Cusack was a robot. 

I'm going to make another prediction to say that 2012 will be another "Y2K" episode, in the way that people will freak out and stock up on 400 rolls of toilet paper and 6,895 cans of mushroom soup. I hate mushrooms.


So according to the Chinese Zodiac 2011 is the year of the rabbit, well technically as of February 3rd. What this means is that every Super Chinese Buffet has specials on rabbit dishes. 2010, year of the tiger was delicious, but only the orange ones. (Note: I have never eaten a tiger. Please do not attempt this, you may be the one eaten.)


If you were born in the year of the rabbit your characteristics may include: wrinkling your nose, hopping, biting, crapping pellets, and looking like a dumbass. I don't trust anything with eyes on the sides of their head.

Anyhow, besides the lethal combination of getting drunk and shooting off fireworks in close proximity to your family and friends, New Years is more about the Resolutions you are supposed to make and stick with through the new year. This never happens. 


I'm going to list for you some examples of common resolutions, but I translate them to what people really mean. Here are 2011's New Year Devolutions:


1. Dieting


What people say:


I am going to lose weight


What they mean:


I am going to eat a salad on Jan. 1st, a value menu with Diet Cola on Jan. 2nd, and only a single Family size bag of Doritos on Jan 3rd, Then on Jan 4th I will look at myself in the mirror and give up, pledging to diet in 2012. 

2. Better your character


What people say:


I want to have a more positive attitude towards others.


What they mean:


I will "try" to be nice to the first person I see, but I swear, if they give me attitude I'm going to tear their face off! If I get thrown in court ordered anger management on more time.....
  
3. Budgeting


What people say:


I'm going to pay off my debts and save money.


What they mean:


If I have any money left after bills, I'm going shopping, woo! I have to get more friends for my troll doll collection!

Other common ones I've heard of are quitting smoking, keeping more organized, watching less tv, etc.


The only resolutions I personally promise to keep, is to take care of my family, work hard at my job, and continue writing here.

I hope one of your resolutions is to continue to read this wonderfully weird and incredibly ridiculous collection of words that is my blog.


You keep it alive, thanks.

Choose: Good, Bad, or Ridiculously Bizarre

So I've realized this holiday season has been very stereotypical. It's been stressful making sure everyone gets their gifts and making sure I've worked enough hours to have the money to pay for them. Then while working the extra time, I deal with the other people who are stuck in the vicious cycle that I am, but unlike myself, they choose to deal with it by letting primal rage and basic animal instincts take over. One such example is the fault of Justin Beiber, here's why:

Lady 1 looks around, walks over to shopping cart containing the only Justin Bieber doll in the store. She picks it up and puts it in her shopping cart, then looks around one more time with a smirk on her face.


Lady 2, who is further down the aisle looks up from the toys she was picking out and zeroes in on the now empty shopping cart which had the doll in it, the cart which was hers.


Lady 2 scans aisle like the terminator and sees Lady 1 with doll in her cart which is now parked near her cart.


This is where the "Bieber" hits the fan.


Lady 2: "Hey that was in my cart! It's MINE."


Lady 1: "Oh, I thought that cart was abandoned. You shouldn't leave your cart unattended."


Lady 2: "Oh yeah? Well you shouldn't take things out of people's carts, it's rude! Huh, can you believe that? Pssh. (Random curse words)


Lady 1 hands over the Justin Bieber doll defeated. Her face looked of an Olympic gold medalist who was just told they were disqualified for stealing a bowl haired teenage emo boy doll from an other person's cart.


My question is, why isn't anyone fighting over the tickle me Michael Jackson doll?


And don't even get me started on the Lindsay Lohan treatment center playset. Everyone kept returning them because they said it didn't work.


Speaking of returns, I have a few bizarre items people tried to return and I happened to witness.


1. Naughty DVD player.

Guy walks in, brings his DVD player to the counter, asks for a refund. The customer service girl opened it up, looked at it, and plugged it in to see if it worked. She presses the OPEN button and a porno DVD popped out. The guy had no shame, he just asked for his movie back.


2. These sheets will "put you to sleep."

Woman brings large bag in the store and pulls a various matching sheets out. The girl in the home furnishings department asked what was wrong with it and the woman says, "My mom died on these and doesn't need them anymore." In my head I thought, "Eww," and "Duh, obviously she doesn't need them "anymore." If I beleived in ghosts, in which sometimes I do, (read What I think about ghosts here), those sheets have a 96.7582 percent chance of being haunted.


3. Shoes with living ecosystem.

I was working in the shoe section when a woman brought a box of shoes to return. She handed me the receipt and said she bought them a few days before.I open the box to discover that her child had walked through mud then grass, as it was caked on the bottom and sides of the shoe. I turned one of the shoes around to look inside and saw some ants crawling around on the inside. Then I happened to smell what seemed to be poo and was starting to think it wasn't mud on the shoe after all. Needless to say, I didn't take the shoes back, however it took a good 5 minutes of arguing to get the point across.


People in general are ridiculous, but even more so during this time of year. In the spirit of thinking about ridiculous things, I often think how stupid phrases and terms are that we use every day in the English language.

For example, in school I got used to studying and taking tests pretty often. You can understand my frustration when I see "Blood Test" or "Pregnancy Test," etc. It's not like you can study for a blood test or fail a pregnancy test. Although you could get an "F" for female and you could fail a drug test. Let's just agree that they are all used in stressful Montel situations.


Until recent times, the bank used to be just a place to store money. Nowadays, there are blood banks and sperm banks. See what happens when you walk in a blood bank and ask for a withdrawal. Even worse, go to the sperm bank and ask to open a savings account. (Don't settle for a low interest rate.)


Well, it's time for me to shut this old folding portable computer, put away these delicious Swedish gingersnap cookies, and get myself to bed. I need enough energy to get through the rush of work on the last day before Xmas, it's going to be a nuthouse.


Take care, have a Merry Christmas, happy holidays and such. Also make sure you are in bed before Santa comes, he doesn't like cheats and liars. I hope I'm on the good list this year.

Bitter, Sour, Salty, Sweet, and Pain

Whew! Finally I'm back after a long work week and I have been thinking this week about my lovely, little, blog. I was ecstatic to see the great response from my last entry, all of my readers from the states, UK, Canada, and all of the other European and Asian countries, I appreciate it!


Last night, I had planned to write a new entry, but was derailed by a throbbing toothache. The pain progressively worsened and had caused me to stay awake all night in agony. I am better now, thanks to antibiotics and pain medication, (Thank you science!)


I always like to write about a theme or even seem like I am not just rambling off random nonsense, so today's topic is Pain.


There are genuine types of pain that many would agree are legitimate reasons to worry about, but then there are others that either seem worse than they actually are or are worse then they actually seem. (See what I did just then?)


For instance let's start with toothaches.


This would fall under the category of worse than they seem. I have seen others complain about tooth pains and I have even seen scenarios about them on television, but I could never imagine what it really felt like, pure and utter hell.

When the pain became apparent, my tooth was letting me know, "Hey there's something wrong here with my pals Nerves and Roots." I thought, it's just a little toothache, it'll go away in a few minutes.


Then my tooth, being all dramatic, starts to freak out. "This guy Sugar came in here and roughed my pals up!" Roots was hanging there swollen and sobbing, while Nerves ran off to tell brain that bad things were going down in the tooth.


The pain became so overbearing that at a point in the middle of the night, I contemplated how I could extract my own tooth. I wanted to employ Mr. Pliers, Senor Fist, or Sir String Doorknob, but didn't want to cause more pain than I was already enduring. I was glad to come upon Aunt I. Biotics and Lady Painkiller, they allowed me some pain-free rest.


Now we take a look at Paper Cuts.

These tend to be highly dramatized, but with the worst of luck can cause some intermediate pain. First, it depends on the type of material in which you were injured with and in conjunction the thickness of said material. This can range from simple piece of mischievous paper to a thick scrap of cardboard hell bent on making you fear the corrugated community. Their cousin, plastic, also made an appearance the other day to rough me up and let their family presence known.


Paper cuts do not stop at one attack. They get you unsuspected, when you though your relationship with paper was at an all time high. They have others working for them, to keep letting you know that you should be afraid. Some of their known lackeys are salt, citric acid, and iodine.


You are probably asking yourself right now, "How will I know when these henchmen attack?"


The symptoms include a sharp pain in injured area, a reaction to grab said area with hand, and a hissing noise made by your mouth sucking in air through clenched lips. In some cases profanities may occur. And beware! You may look closer to investigate the paper cut, however these deviants attack in such a way sometimes, that you don't even know you have been injured.


This next one may sound ridiculous, but show me one person who has not experienced constipation.

Some describe this as stomach pains, cramps, digestion problems, irritable bowels, etc., the list goes on and on. I have even heard someone compare this to child birth, hopefully not seriously. I don't feel I need to go into too much detail on this one, although I can offer up some advise.


Avoid lots of le cheese consumption, watch out for lactose if you cannot tolerate it, eat some fiber, and most importantly do not push too hard and cause a blood vessel rupture. Also keep lots of air freshener in the bathroom and not anything rose scented. There's nothing like walking into a highly concentrated poo-rose scented room, it creates the perfect gag reflex reaction, for your spouse.


P.S. If you were waiting for a poo related joke or pun, I couldn't think of one. I apologize.


So far, these forms of pain have been for the most part pretty common. There is one that I have personally done a few times in my life that have been not only painful, but also idiotic.

Usually I am sitting on the couch, chair, or on the floor with my legs folded up, positioning my knees below my chin. Then I have the sudden urge to sneeze, not realizing I am poised for pain. The force of my sneeze causes my head to jerk forward right into my knees, giving me a combo of pain and embarrassment.


Not only have I sneezed and head-butted my knees, I have also sneezed and hit my head on other things as well and trust me, there is no way of gracefully playing it off.


There is also another category of pain I can place in the "uncommon" section and I hope someone else out there can identify with this next one. Have you ever pinched your hand and it resulted in a blood blister?


The first time this happened, it was seventh grade (Middle school), I was in class and we were instructed to make some charts. All I had to do was use a freaking marker okay? Somehow when putting the cap back on the marker, I pinched the skin between my fingers. After a minute or two, I noticed there was a blister filled with blood where I pinched myself. Keep in mind this was the first time I had seen this kind of thing, so I was a bit freaked out, not to mention the sight of blood makes me feel uneasy.


I've repeated this event a few more times, once with a pair of scissors, and the few other times I can't exactly remember how I managed to repeat it. Honestly, do you know what I'm talking about?


And to round out this list of pain scenarios include:


1. Eating food before it has a chance to cool below the point of liquid magma, resulting in the roof of your mouth to be scalded then you get a hanging skin flap that annoys the crap out of you.


2. Unnecessary tripping and falling. Usually happens due to lack of aware of your surroundings, inanimate objects settling the score for not putting them away properly, inappropriate footwear, inebriated state of mind, and most commonly a natural habit of clumsiness. Minus points when a guy falls in front of a girl. Double points if injury results.


3. Brain freeze. Only acceptable if it is a hot day or you are dehydrated, otherwise stop being so gluttonous! Although, if it is an icee brain freeze, i will forgive you. Blue flavor.


4. Stub toe/Jam finger. In this case you are always the victim, however you will look like an ass if you are cursing at an object that can't defend itself. If you don't care about looking like a wacko, then go ahead, throw that ficus across the room.


I had many more different forms of pain I wanted to include, but I picked the best just for you. That and I have to be up early.


As always, thanks for stopping by, reading my thoughts and experiences. I am honored that people at all find this blog interesting. Thanks to you, it doesn't stink and it's the number 2 blog.


There, you got a poo joke after all.

Just a Little Update

I changed the settings on my blog so everyone can leave comments and not have to go through the annoying process of signing in through google.


So leave comments! Tell me how ridiculous my posts are or if you think I'm awesome, go ahead and tell me that too.


P.S. Don't be afraid to follow my blog as well.


Well, I'm off to work. Have a good day and read my last post if you haven't already, it's embarrassing.

Embarassed to death

Hello everyone. I've given myself a few extra days to post something of quality, but I'll leave that to you to decide. Real quick before I get started on today's rant, I 'd like to welcome my international readers who stopped by this week, Spain and the UK, you are awesome.


I've been trying to think all week of some funny theme to write about, but the harder I tried, the harder it was to concentrate. I didn't want to post anything sentimental as I am not one of those guys who shows his feelings much, I compare myself to Hank Hill much in that way. That's sad, but slightly funny, but slightly pathetic. 

Then I thought, can I be motivational or informative? No. Not in any effective way, or in any way that would help people. I can however spew out random bits of knowledge; I'm an American fortune cookie. (Note: Fortune cookies actually originated in America, not Asia.) See there I go again.

Things started looking up when I noticed a common theme throughout the week. As every day passed, I took note on embarrassing things that happened to me in particular. As I reflected on these, I remembered other embarrassing events I witnessed in my life.

The first thing that started off the week was when I attempted to do a simple thing like drinking gatorade.  I was at work talking to a coworker when I stopped to take a drink. I tipped the gatorade to my mouth and started to drink. Everything was fine until I tipped a bit too high and spilled gatorade all over my face. Not only did I feel stupid standing there with purple sports drink dripping from my face, but I had accomplished this with someone standing a few feet away from me. I laughed it off, but in my head I was yelling, "Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

The next day didn't turn out any better. I had just awoke from a good night's sleep and it was time for me to get dressed for work. The next step was to put on pants. Let me just say, I've been putting on my own pants successfully for 20 years, but as I was about to find out, I have the ability and will power to curse at a pair of slacks.

I stood up and proceeded to put my left leg into the left pant leg, check. Then my brain sent a signal for right leg to go into right pant leg. My brain and right leg must have had an argument that night because instead of right leg in right pant leg, it went into left pant leg with left leg! Left leg was pissed that right leg was smothering it so they both decided not to cooperate and down I went. 


That event was far more uncommon than backwards shirt, which only results in neck choking and armpit pinching. I've done that far too many times and I know you are thinking, "Why doesn't he just check the tag?" Well I would tell you that as a guy, I try to put things together without reading the instructions first, to prove my manliness. Then if everything turns out horribly wrong, I pull out the instructions, super glue, and duck tape. 

Yesterday's mishap was not so bad. I was stocking a shelf at work, nobody had walked by for a while. I hear some woman's loud heels approaching and as I looked up as she passed by, I had knocked over half of my items on my cart onto the shelves in front of me, knocking everything over onto the floor. I thought, "Why did I have to be spastic at that exact moment? There is nothing wrong with me, I swear!"


Today, was a real dumb ass moment for me. I was at work (Hmm..... all of these things seem to be work induced.....) and I had been putting away some juice in our refrigerated coolers with the help of my coworker. We decorated our store for the holidays and had placed some large bells above our coolers. I bent over  to put the rest of the juice away and stood straight up into the bell. Not only did it jingle when my head hit it, but the top of my head went into the bell. 

A customer walked by to get some water and gave me a wtf look. My coworker on the other hand laughed, commented on how I managed to do that for the second time, then lastly asked if I was alright. It looks like in certain situations, comedy outweighs concern for others well being.


All of this happened in just the span of one week, however I can remember many other times I had been embarrassed in the past.


The earliest I can remember is when I peed my pants in kindergarten. We were in the middle of class and I remember clearly it was a gloomy rainy day. Our desks were pushed together in clusters of five and everyone in our group was in class that day. After a little time had passes after my "accident" another classmate had noticed the smell of pee. Immediately I was terrified that they had discovered my horribly embarrassing accident, but instead of calling me out, they blamed it on the poor quiet girl at the end of our desk cluster. I felt both extremely relieved, ashamed, and incredibly guilty for letting this girl take the blame for me. As I write this all of the guilt has come flooding back. Hopefully the girl got some good karma points for that day.


Speaking of embarrassing school moments, over the span of all my years of recess in elementary school (or primary school), I managed to get hit with every shape and form of ball at recess time, in the head. I don't know if that can explain some things or not. I mean I do like some sports, but only on tv. I might have some turrible flashbacks if I were to go to some live sporting events.


I also remember one Halloween, I had to have been 6 or 7, my mom had dressed me up as Dracula. She didn't have any hair products to slick my hair back at the time, but managed to improvise in a bad life scarring way. She used Crisco. Every time I walked up to a door with some random kids to say trick or treat, someone else would make a comment on how they smelled popcorn. I was Orville Redenbacher's  Dracula.

Honestly, I could go on and on about all of the embarrassing things that have happened, to me, but I have neither the time nor the energy to type everything in one sitting.


Do you want to know the most embarrassing thing about this blog post? 


I spelled embarrass wrong 8 times.


Thanks for stopping by and be safe out there in the inter-webs.