I've been trying to think all week of some funny theme to write about, but the harder I tried, the harder it was to concentrate. I didn't want to post anything sentimental as I am not one of those guys who shows his feelings much, I compare myself to Hank Hill much in that way. That's sad, but slightly funny, but slightly pathetic.
Then I thought, can I be motivational or informative? No. Not in any effective way, or in any way that would help people. I can however spew out random bits of knowledge; I'm an American fortune cookie. (Note: Fortune cookies actually originated in America, not Asia.) See there I go again.
Things started looking up when I noticed a common theme throughout the week. As every day passed, I took note on embarrassing things that happened to me in particular. As I reflected on these, I remembered other embarrassing events I witnessed in my life.
The first thing that started off the week was when I attempted to do a simple thing like drinking gatorade. I was at work talking to a coworker when I stopped to take a drink. I tipped the gatorade to my mouth and started to drink. Everything was fine until I tipped a bit too high and spilled gatorade all over my face. Not only did I feel stupid standing there with purple sports drink dripping from my face, but I had accomplished this with someone standing a few feet away from me. I laughed it off, but in my head I was yelling, "Stupid, stupid, stupid!"
The next day didn't turn out any better. I had just awoke from a good night's sleep and it was time for me to get dressed for work. The next step was to put on pants. Let me just say, I've been putting on my own pants successfully for 20 years, but as I was about to find out, I have the ability and will power to curse at a pair of slacks.
I stood up and proceeded to put my left leg into the left pant leg, check. Then my brain sent a signal for right leg to go into right pant leg. My brain and right leg must have had an argument that night because instead of right leg in right pant leg, it went into left pant leg with left leg! Left leg was pissed that right leg was smothering it so they both decided not to cooperate and down I went.
That event was far more uncommon than backwards shirt, which only results in neck choking and armpit pinching. I've done that far too many times and I know you are thinking, "Why doesn't he just check the tag?" Well I would tell you that as a guy, I try to put things together without reading the instructions first, to prove my manliness. Then if everything turns out horribly wrong, I pull out the instructions, super glue, and duck tape.
Yesterday's mishap was not so bad. I was stocking a shelf at work, nobody had walked by for a while. I hear some woman's loud heels approaching and as I looked up as she passed by, I had knocked over half of my items on my cart onto the shelves in front of me, knocking everything over onto the floor. I thought, "Why did I have to be spastic at that exact moment? There is nothing wrong with me, I swear!"
Today, was a real dumb ass moment for me. I was at work (Hmm..... all of these things seem to be work induced.....) and I had been putting away some juice in our refrigerated coolers with the help of my coworker. We decorated our store for the holidays and had placed some large bells above our coolers. I bent over to put the rest of the juice away and stood straight up into the bell. Not only did it jingle when my head hit it, but the top of my head went into the bell.
A customer walked by to get some water and gave me a wtf look. My coworker on the other hand laughed, commented on how I managed to do that for the second time, then lastly asked if I was alright. It looks like in certain situations, comedy outweighs concern for others well being.
All of this happened in just the span of one week, however I can remember many other times I had been embarrassed in the past.
The earliest I can remember is when I peed my pants in kindergarten. We were in the middle of class and I remember clearly it was a gloomy rainy day. Our desks were pushed together in clusters of five and everyone in our group was in class that day. After a little time had passes after my "accident" another classmate had noticed the smell of pee. Immediately I was terrified that they had discovered my horribly embarrassing accident, but instead of calling me out, they blamed it on the poor quiet girl at the end of our desk cluster. I felt both extremely relieved, ashamed, and incredibly guilty for letting this girl take the blame for me. As I write this all of the guilt has come flooding back. Hopefully the girl got some good karma points for that day.
Speaking of embarrassing school moments, over the span of all my years of recess in elementary school (or primary school), I managed to get hit with every shape and form of ball at recess time, in the head. I don't know if that can explain some things or not. I mean I do like some sports, but only on tv. I might have some turrible flashbacks if I were to go to some live sporting events.
I also remember one Halloween, I had to have been 6 or 7, my mom had dressed me up as Dracula. She didn't have any hair products to slick my hair back at the time, but managed to improvise in a bad life scarring way. She used Crisco. Every time I walked up to a door with some random kids to say trick or treat, someone else would make a comment on how they smelled popcorn. I was Orville Redenbacher's Dracula.
Honestly, I could go on and on about all of the embarrassing things that have happened, to me, but I have neither the time nor the energy to type everything in one sitting.
Do you want to know the most embarrassing thing about this blog post?
I spelled embarrass wrong 8 times.
Thanks for stopping by and be safe out there in the inter-webs.
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