More Like: New Years Devolutions

Let's get this out of the way, Happy New Years!


Great, now I have to get used to writing 2011. I'm going to bet, right now, that I forget and put 2010 for months. Oh well, at least I can only mess up for another year according to my Mayan calendar, it was on clearance.

This actually reminds me of something ridiculous my mom said to me about the movie 2012. We were talking about the end of the world aka the "apocalypse" and my mom says to me, "Have you seen the movie 2012 yet?" I said no. She then says to me, "It's based on a true story." I couldn't help but laugh at her and point out that not only were we 2 years away from 2012, but John Cusack was a robot. 

I'm going to make another prediction to say that 2012 will be another "Y2K" episode, in the way that people will freak out and stock up on 400 rolls of toilet paper and 6,895 cans of mushroom soup. I hate mushrooms.


So according to the Chinese Zodiac 2011 is the year of the rabbit, well technically as of February 3rd. What this means is that every Super Chinese Buffet has specials on rabbit dishes. 2010, year of the tiger was delicious, but only the orange ones. (Note: I have never eaten a tiger. Please do not attempt this, you may be the one eaten.)


If you were born in the year of the rabbit your characteristics may include: wrinkling your nose, hopping, biting, crapping pellets, and looking like a dumbass. I don't trust anything with eyes on the sides of their head.

Anyhow, besides the lethal combination of getting drunk and shooting off fireworks in close proximity to your family and friends, New Years is more about the Resolutions you are supposed to make and stick with through the new year. This never happens. 


I'm going to list for you some examples of common resolutions, but I translate them to what people really mean. Here are 2011's New Year Devolutions:


1. Dieting


What people say:


I am going to lose weight


What they mean:


I am going to eat a salad on Jan. 1st, a value menu with Diet Cola on Jan. 2nd, and only a single Family size bag of Doritos on Jan 3rd, Then on Jan 4th I will look at myself in the mirror and give up, pledging to diet in 2012. 

2. Better your character


What people say:


I want to have a more positive attitude towards others.


What they mean:


I will "try" to be nice to the first person I see, but I swear, if they give me attitude I'm going to tear their face off! If I get thrown in court ordered anger management on more time.....
  
3. Budgeting


What people say:


I'm going to pay off my debts and save money.


What they mean:


If I have any money left after bills, I'm going shopping, woo! I have to get more friends for my troll doll collection!

Other common ones I've heard of are quitting smoking, keeping more organized, watching less tv, etc.


The only resolutions I personally promise to keep, is to take care of my family, work hard at my job, and continue writing here.

I hope one of your resolutions is to continue to read this wonderfully weird and incredibly ridiculous collection of words that is my blog.


You keep it alive, thanks.