My Kitchen Hates Me

Usually the kitchen is the heart of the home. It keeps you fed, brings your family together in between checking their mobile devices, and creates fond memories of cooking with your loved ones. However...


....if you have read any of my blog posts before, you would know that anything that may seem ordinary to most, transforms into an "Alice in Wonderland" version in my brain. (No I am not on any hallucinogens.) 

I do find cheese hilarious though.


So follow me down the rabbit hole and into my kitchen where I will give you the grand tour, of ridiculous.


It all started today when I went to the cutlery drawer to look for a spoon. I look inside to discover that the only utensils left in the drawer are these huge ones made for giants or something. Of course I couldn't be bothered to wait for the dishwasher to finish running, I used that spoon like a boss. I was confused for a minute when I had finished my bowl of cereal in 3 bites.

We move on from the cutlery drawer and over to the cabinet. Do you ever find yourself in possession of a mystery can? I'm excited, terrified, and intrigued all at the same time. What could it be? Dog food? Baked beans? Whoop ass?

Now over to the counter we find our cereal boxes. I pick up a box and it feels kind of light, but i go ahead and pour anyway. About 6 pieces of cereal and a shower of cereal dust come out. How am I supposed to count this as a meal? Who would leave 6 freaking pieces left?!

Or how about having a full bowl of cereal but there is 3 drops of milk left in the jug, or no milk at all! I bet like me, someone out there considered using water or juice as a milk substitute. This may be one of the most distressing kitchen scenarios out there. I suck up my pride and pour the cereal back in the box, but not without spilling pieces all over the place.

*Side note: As an adult, I still make my cereal choices at the grocery store based on how colorful the box is and bonus points if there is a prize inside. (More for your money, duh.)

Which brings me to a kitchen phenomena all it's own: The Kitchen Shuffle.

The Kitchen Shuffle happens when you're hungry, but you don't have what you're craving, so you go from looking in each cabinet, to staring in refrigerator, to looking in freezer a few times hoping something great magically appears. Repeat 3-4 times or until you give up and eat something mediocre.

This can turn into a dangerous concoction of random foods that have high chances of causing digestion problems. Don't do it!


Next we look into the refrigerator.  First I'd like to say that I don't like to waste food, but i find it rather amusing that only the "healthy" food expires and that the junk food gets eaten up right away. Apple or "super fructose happy calorie mega dye snack"?  No brainer, always pick the one with the magical unicorn on the package, unless you don't want your leg to suddenly fall off.

Lastly, I take you over to the pantry where  we find..... a 10 pound bag of rice that expires in 2 days?! Kids! Guess what we're having for breakfast, lunch, brunch, dinner, and fourthmeal!


Before we leave the kitchen altogether, I'd like to mention the disaster of overbuying at the grocery store.

 So you go grocery shopping, get too much fridge freezer stuff. Have to tetris the items before they get warm, get desperate, start breaking hot dogs in half, smashing eggs.. If you have a fridge/freezer where the freezer is on the top, be careful how freezer is arranged, otherwise a frozen projectile will hurtle towards your face. You won't fix it either until it happens 4-5 times. You get angry when it happens to you, but when you hear the loud slap of the Digiorno box hitting the floor when someone else opens it, you can't help but laugh.

Thanks for visiting my kitchen. I don't know about yours, but mine really seems to hate me. I hope out of all of the words above, I managed to provide some help to those out there whose kitchens treat them badly, like mine.


I hate my kitchen, but I love you.