It's a bird, it's a plane, no really, it's a plane

Hello blog readers, and by that I mean real people who came to Euphemisms of Life on purpose, and not led here astray by shifty search engines like a desperate human trafficker.


I took a two week break to gather my thoughts and to see if I have anyone who genuinely checks back to read my nonsense. Results show that my variations on the pictures I post are rather popular, as well as certain phrases. I might be the next Donald Trump or Paris Hilton; my catch phrase will be, "That's hot, you're fired." I'm glad neither of them read this, or I would owe them more money than I could possibly raise at a car wash to save my legs from being broken.


I always try to have something in the near future to look forward to, especially to get me through long work days and life's minor annoyances. 

Currently I'm dealing with our home flooding in different places every weekend, conveniently when management and maintenance are off duty. It's almost like a scene out of a horror movie, water coming out of the ceiling where the exhaust fan is, water trickling inside of the linen closet from god knows where, and as of today, water spraying out of the water heater in our storage closet like a sauna. Anyone know which retirement home I can find Aquaman at?


So I come to the conclusion that my family and I need to get away for awhile on vacation. The hardest part of course is going to be the wait. A couple of short weeks to go, but already I am going over the fine details in my head, and when I start thinking, the sarcastic hemisphere of my brain fires up.

I thought of some ways to make people feel more comfortable at the airport, but be warned they may not be fast nor efficient.


Terminal-ly Ill


First off, some airports are large and intimidating just approaching the unloading zones. I would eliminate these drop offs into two categories: "Within America" and "Elsewhere." Personally, I would think to myself, "Okay, this is pretty easy, I am not going out of the states so I go this way." I only say this because the last time I went to the airport there were so many terminals, I got lost right away. If I went to one of those large directories like in the shopping malls that indicated where you are with a star, it would read, "You are lost, dumbass."


In-security


Next, I thought about the security screening. I would make two lines: One for the ugly people and another for everyone else. This might make lines go faster since the unattractive flyers would rather be patted down than x-rayed. Who ever thought you would ever have to choose between someone grabbing your balls or looking at a picture of them? Whatever you do though, be polite, or you might just get a full body prison search by a handsome mustachioed woman named Betty Jean.


The second part of this is arriving in suitable attire. Wear a burlap sack with a drawstring and anything made out of wool or hemp. If you set off that metal detector, you might get deported, hopefully to your intended international destination. 


Thirdly, pack your bags wisely. If it looks like you are trying to smuggle C-3PO on your carry on luggage, you might be delayed a while. I'll have to remember to bundle up my cell phone charger and any other cords neatly and to put a sign that is visible through the x-ray conveyor that says, "No bombs here, have a nice day, smiley face."


Budget cuts = No nuts


Many airlines feeling the pinch of the recession and higher operating costs have had to cut back on some luxuries in addition to increasing fares, checking bags, etc. One of the things that people enjoyed in flight was the complimentary peanuts, pretzels, and soda, until most had to take them away. I would still like to give something back to the customers, therefore I would have my employees give complimentary compliments. For example if a woman asks a flight attendant for a drink, the flight attendant could say, "I'm sorry we don't have any complimentary beverages or snacks anymore, however, that shirt matches your eyes well."


Three strikes your out


I would have all the planes fitted with a trap door under each seat. Each passenger has three strikes before their trap door opens and they parachute to the ground (Only if they paid the extra $35 for the parachute option). 

Unacceptable behavior includes: coughing or sneezing all over the person next to you without covering your mouth, spending too long in the bathroom and or stinking it up, talking constantly and or laughing obnoxiously at a loud volume, etc.


Some things will have to be decided via rock, paper scissors, like, who gets the arm rest, the window seat, and so on.


Well that about wraps up my sarcastic take on revamping the airport. It's good to see you again, and I mean you, a real person. Not you, search engine people trafficker thingy.