Hello random individuals of the .com universe.
You are probably here because you saw an incredibly ridiculous, yet hilarious picture assembled by yours truly linked from Google Images.
Doesn't that make it seem like you are the innocent kid walking down the street, Google Images is the creepy guy driving by slowly in the van tempting you with the deliciously sweet goodness that are my pictures? I think so.
Or maybe you saw my page on StumbleUpon and thought to yourself, " Did I really reach the end of the internet?"
There's also the chance that you came across my Euphemisms of Life facebook page. Yes it has it's own page, because it said it's cooler than I will ever be and if I disagree, than I would be wrong because you can't argue facts. Kind of harsh.
But you made it here, so who cares how you arrived, I'm just glad to have you. It is true, I have been idle for almost 2 months, but it has been quite an eventful 2 months.
I finally got a new car which really makes me able to finally breathe easy, such a stupid thing to have to worry about but it affects everything. I have been very fortunate to be able to get one and a new one at that, I am already in love with the car.
I actually had a dream a few months ago about having a brand new black car and now that I have one, I'm having a sort of a weird deja vu moment, if you believe in that sort of thing. I just need to get a new ipod cord that is hard to find and cant be ordered. I will find it, or you can buy it for my birthday which is in exactly 19 days. I will accept gifts, no personal checks.
Next week I plan to buy a new wireless mouse for my laptop to create some new original Euphemisms of Life artistic pieces, instead of borrowing stock images and drawing on them. Let's just say using the touch pad to draw is like trying to ride a bike with square wheels.
And if you were wondering what happened to my last mouse, well it mysteriously died. Black plague virus or maybe some bad cheese who knows.
The bottom line, I'm just letting you know I'm still alive and well, in case you actually know who I am, or know of me, or know someone with my name, or just because.
P.S. Don't be afraid to leave a comment or two, I always make sure to comment back. Peace!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Dare to Dream
It's good to see you again! Wait, have you been sleeping well? You look kind of tired, with the bags under your eyes and all. Oh look there you go, I saw a yawn. No it's okay, just relax, I'll do all the talking. Go ahead and rest your eyes a bit.
Just kidding, wake the hell up and tell me if you have seen this man in your dreams:
According to thisman.org, thousands of people have seen this guy in their dreams. Creepy eh? I don't ever recall him popping up in mine, but I would be interested to hear if you have personally.
To backtrack a bit, I decided to write about dreams because I was annoyed by the fact that I couldn't fight my brain to stay awake the other day.
Don't you hate when you've had a long day/week and you come home exhausted and decide to relax for a few minutes on the couch, but start to fall asleep? However the worst part is when you surrender to the exhaustion and lay down in bed, only to be wide awake and still exhausted.
I bet you finally get desperate and try some stupid sleep remedies to help you along.
Those are supposed to be sheep by the way.
So after trying all of those methods, you start to drift off to sleep. You close your eyes and see:
Wtf are those? The only way I could describe them is glowing donuts, well because I love donuts and hate scaring myself. I need to invent real glowing donuts, that would be deliciously cool.
How about the times you are fighting sleep? I lay there in bed, pitting my brain against my eyes, keeping my eyelids open by sheer will and ignorance. Little did I know that they were both working against me. I stare up at the ceiling, watching the ceiling fan spin around and around, and all of a sudden, it's gradually getting darker. As soon as I realize this, I startle myself and my surroundings go back to their normal level of brightness. Then after a few minutes it starts happening again, but this time you are too tired to care or even realize that it's getting darker because your eyelids are closing ever so slowly. Then you wake up the next morning, not able to remember when you lost the battle the night before.
Speaking of remembering, did you know that five minutes after the end of the dream, half the content is forgotten and after ten minutes, 90% is lost? Well for some reason this doesn't apply to me. Somehow I am able to remember most of my dreams pretty well and here are just a few:
Back to Baby
I dreamt about a baby's room down to every detail and color. I remember telling this to my mom when I was 5 and she said I had described my room when I was 1 year old. I even saw an old picture and saw that it was very close to the dream, even weirder was that in my dream it was from my perspective of lying in the crib. Was it really a dream or a memory?
Recurring nightmares
Always had them as a kid. Usually being dropped off in unknown locations and being left behind, being hit by cars/run over, falling down from high altitudes. I can guess that all of the car related ones might have something to do with me falling out of a moving car when I was 4 years old. As my mom tells it, some guy hurried up and got me out of the road before I got hit by oncoming traffic.
Then I've had just a bunch of random ones, like flying over trees and lakes, playing pro basketball, playing guitar for a large stadium crowd with a popular band, finding a large sum of money, but after recounting, it is somehow a lot less money, and so on etc.
But really for me there are only three types of dreams - Great ones that I wake up at the best part, mediocre ones that either make no sense or nothing significant is going on, and the ones that are uncomfortable, sickening, or horrifying.
Then there's sleepwalking.
Like the time I walked all the way downstairs and peed on the kitchen wall and woke up back in bed. How is that possible? Read some other sleepwalking stories and among them, this is actually common! I especially like the one where the kid peed in the refrigerator, hilarious.
Other people's sleep walking stories include eating sticks of butter, sitting in a dark corner trying to "fix" a broken alarm clock, feeling the wall for "secret" bathroom, standing on a dresser to get away from the baby t-rexes, getting ready for a trip and end up sleeping under the bed naked, holding a briefcase.
Lastly, I thought I would leave you with some random dream facts:
We spend about a third of our life sleeping or about 6 years.
Everyone dreams, even blind people. They can even dream in color.
Men tend to dream more about other men, while women dream equally about men and women.
If you are snoring, then you cannot be dreaming.
According to a research study, the most common setting for dreams is your own house.
The original meaning of the word "nightmare" was a female spirit who besets people at night while they sleep.
Thanks again for coming back to read my words of misguided wisdom. At least with you here I won't have to plug in my Justin Bieber night light.
Sweet dreams.
Just kidding, wake the hell up and tell me if you have seen this man in your dreams:
According to thisman.org, thousands of people have seen this guy in their dreams. Creepy eh? I don't ever recall him popping up in mine, but I would be interested to hear if you have personally.
To backtrack a bit, I decided to write about dreams because I was annoyed by the fact that I couldn't fight my brain to stay awake the other day.
Don't you hate when you've had a long day/week and you come home exhausted and decide to relax for a few minutes on the couch, but start to fall asleep? However the worst part is when you surrender to the exhaustion and lay down in bed, only to be wide awake and still exhausted.
I bet you finally get desperate and try some stupid sleep remedies to help you along.
Those are supposed to be sheep by the way.
So after trying all of those methods, you start to drift off to sleep. You close your eyes and see:
Wtf are those? The only way I could describe them is glowing donuts, well because I love donuts and hate scaring myself. I need to invent real glowing donuts, that would be deliciously cool.
How about the times you are fighting sleep? I lay there in bed, pitting my brain against my eyes, keeping my eyelids open by sheer will and ignorance. Little did I know that they were both working against me. I stare up at the ceiling, watching the ceiling fan spin around and around, and all of a sudden, it's gradually getting darker. As soon as I realize this, I startle myself and my surroundings go back to their normal level of brightness. Then after a few minutes it starts happening again, but this time you are too tired to care or even realize that it's getting darker because your eyelids are closing ever so slowly. Then you wake up the next morning, not able to remember when you lost the battle the night before.
Speaking of remembering, did you know that five minutes after the end of the dream, half the content is forgotten and after ten minutes, 90% is lost? Well for some reason this doesn't apply to me. Somehow I am able to remember most of my dreams pretty well and here are just a few:
Back to Baby
I dreamt about a baby's room down to every detail and color. I remember telling this to my mom when I was 5 and she said I had described my room when I was 1 year old. I even saw an old picture and saw that it was very close to the dream, even weirder was that in my dream it was from my perspective of lying in the crib. Was it really a dream or a memory?
Recurring nightmares
Always had them as a kid. Usually being dropped off in unknown locations and being left behind, being hit by cars/run over, falling down from high altitudes. I can guess that all of the car related ones might have something to do with me falling out of a moving car when I was 4 years old. As my mom tells it, some guy hurried up and got me out of the road before I got hit by oncoming traffic.
Then I've had just a bunch of random ones, like flying over trees and lakes, playing pro basketball, playing guitar for a large stadium crowd with a popular band, finding a large sum of money, but after recounting, it is somehow a lot less money, and so on etc.
But really for me there are only three types of dreams - Great ones that I wake up at the best part, mediocre ones that either make no sense or nothing significant is going on, and the ones that are uncomfortable, sickening, or horrifying.
Then there's sleepwalking.
Like the time I walked all the way downstairs and peed on the kitchen wall and woke up back in bed. How is that possible? Read some other sleepwalking stories and among them, this is actually common! I especially like the one where the kid peed in the refrigerator, hilarious.
Other people's sleep walking stories include eating sticks of butter, sitting in a dark corner trying to "fix" a broken alarm clock, feeling the wall for "secret" bathroom, standing on a dresser to get away from the baby t-rexes, getting ready for a trip and end up sleeping under the bed naked, holding a briefcase.
Lastly, I thought I would leave you with some random dream facts:
We spend about a third of our life sleeping or about 6 years.
Everyone dreams, even blind people. They can even dream in color.
Men tend to dream more about other men, while women dream equally about men and women.
If you are snoring, then you cannot be dreaming.
According to a research study, the most common setting for dreams is your own house.
The original meaning of the word "nightmare" was a female spirit who besets people at night while they sleep.
Thanks again for coming back to read my words of misguided wisdom. At least with you here I won't have to plug in my Justin Bieber night light.
Sweet dreams.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Let's Celebrate Everything!
Hey you made it to my party!
Although when you RSVP'd, I didn't realize your +2 would be your cats.
Before I get started, I would like to thank my friends, family, and readers for coming back for more ridiculous.
It's like that time mama said, "Boy, you touch that stove, you gonna get burned." It's kind of like my blog being the stove and you not learning your lesson, but if that means your coming back, well I'm doing something right. There must be a pot of awesome cooking on that stove.
Anyhow, the theme of this installment is all about parties. When I think of parties I think, food, people, and entertainment. However, there has to be a reason for the gathering and this is where the logical department of my brain goes on vacation and where the room full of monkeys on typewriters take over.
In my routine of human observation, I have come to a conclusion that these days people are coming up with any excuse to have a party. Here are a few that I think are stupid and as a bonus I'll add a few I made up.
Botox Party - Thanks to Professor Snipe who purified toxin in 1928, middle age women can come together and get their faces jabbed with needles. I'd hate to be the one hosting, especially after they tried to eat after their faces were paralyzed, there would be food crumbs and drool all over the floor.
By the way, if you read his name as Professor Snape at first, you need to get the Potter patch.
Enema Party - I can't say for certain that this has ever happened, but could you imagine? Would you even want to? There would have to be a pretty creative flier to get people to attend. It would say something like, "You're invited to the number 2 party of the year! B.Y.O.E. Friends, family, neighbors, everyone is welcome! There will be back door prizes! Feeling down in the dumps? Stop by and let loose!"
Sick, I know, but who can resist a good poo joke?
Good Fortune Party - I'm not talking about winning the lottery or finding a bag full of cash. It's when your bank account is exactly $7.77. I figure if 7 is a lucky number and you have less than 8 dollars, well it might be a good idea to cheer yourself up before you're flat broke. Considering your funds however, you might only be able to afford to serve kool aid and saltines.
Now moving on, we come to forms of entertainment that never quite caught on or just went horribly wrong.
So you have a birthday party for a bunch of 5 year old kids. You hire a clown right? Well what happens when you have a party for a bunch of clowns? Who are you suppose to hire? It might feel something like this:
Then I thought about opening my own specialty pinata business and making them for the following:
Next I came up with a theory about receiving gifts. Start taking a closer look at the gifts you are getting and they will reveal how people really think of you. You may find out you had more problems than you thought. For example if you receive:
A fine wine - You're an alcoholic.
Food gift card - You're a fat ass.
Cash - You're poor.
Check - You're stupid. They're poor, it's going to bounce, and they already know this.
Clothes - You dress like Pee Pants, the inebriated hobo clown.
Well whatever form it may take, I hope the next party you throw will have an invite with my name on it. Except for the enema party, I'll pass on that one.
Just know that all of you are always welcome to my blog anytime, because every post is like a party in itself.
P.S. This guy likes parties.
Although when you RSVP'd, I didn't realize your +2 would be your cats.
Before I get started, I would like to thank my friends, family, and readers for coming back for more ridiculous.
It's like that time mama said, "Boy, you touch that stove, you gonna get burned." It's kind of like my blog being the stove and you not learning your lesson, but if that means your coming back, well I'm doing something right. There must be a pot of awesome cooking on that stove.
Anyhow, the theme of this installment is all about parties. When I think of parties I think, food, people, and entertainment. However, there has to be a reason for the gathering and this is where the logical department of my brain goes on vacation and where the room full of monkeys on typewriters take over.
In my routine of human observation, I have come to a conclusion that these days people are coming up with any excuse to have a party. Here are a few that I think are stupid and as a bonus I'll add a few I made up.
Botox Party - Thanks to Professor Snipe who purified toxin in 1928, middle age women can come together and get their faces jabbed with needles. I'd hate to be the one hosting, especially after they tried to eat after their faces were paralyzed, there would be food crumbs and drool all over the floor.
By the way, if you read his name as Professor Snape at first, you need to get the Potter patch.
Enema Party - I can't say for certain that this has ever happened, but could you imagine? Would you even want to? There would have to be a pretty creative flier to get people to attend. It would say something like, "You're invited to the number 2 party of the year! B.Y.O.E. Friends, family, neighbors, everyone is welcome! There will be back door prizes! Feeling down in the dumps? Stop by and let loose!"
Sick, I know, but who can resist a good poo joke?
Good Fortune Party - I'm not talking about winning the lottery or finding a bag full of cash. It's when your bank account is exactly $7.77. I figure if 7 is a lucky number and you have less than 8 dollars, well it might be a good idea to cheer yourself up before you're flat broke. Considering your funds however, you might only be able to afford to serve kool aid and saltines.
Now moving on, we come to forms of entertainment that never quite caught on or just went horribly wrong.
So you have a birthday party for a bunch of 5 year old kids. You hire a clown right? Well what happens when you have a party for a bunch of clowns? Who are you suppose to hire? It might feel something like this:
Then I thought about opening my own specialty pinata business and making them for the following:
- Divorce - Head of the ex-husband or ex-wife. Half of the candy goes to each spouse.
- Completed Rehab - Might not want to fill the pinata with bottle caps and pixie sticks.
- Hemorrhoids Gone - A giant ass filled with tubes of Preparation H.
- Husband Forgot to Clean Litter Box - Wife filled it with the contents of the litter box.
Next I came up with a theory about receiving gifts. Start taking a closer look at the gifts you are getting and they will reveal how people really think of you. You may find out you had more problems than you thought. For example if you receive:
A fine wine - You're an alcoholic.
Food gift card - You're a fat ass.
Cash - You're poor.
Check - You're stupid. They're poor, it's going to bounce, and they already know this.
Clothes - You dress like Pee Pants, the inebriated hobo clown.
Well whatever form it may take, I hope the next party you throw will have an invite with my name on it. Except for the enema party, I'll pass on that one.
Just know that all of you are always welcome to my blog anytime, because every post is like a party in itself.
P.S. This guy likes parties.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Blogs about Dogs!
Sit. Stay.
Good reader. Oh I spoke too soon, I told you not to pee on my new rug!
That's okay, you're just a puppy.
But seriously folks, this edition of random is all about "Canis lupus familiaris" aka dog. We humans decided to domesticate the gray wolf about 15,000 years ago to fill the void in our lives we so desperately needed.
They keep us company, protect us, eat our crumbs off the floor, pull our sleds, assist our disabled, and much more. I would like them to learn to do the following:
Then I realized this could go wrong. I could come back as one of those tiny male lapdogs that get girly names and are made to wear tiny dresses and outfits. No wonder they are always shaking. The cat would sit in his corner mocking me and I'd have to tell him to fuck off.
Next I wondered what breed I might be and realized the ridiculous possibilities of cross breeds out there such as:
Bull dog + shih tzu = bull shit, dog shit
Poodle + shih tzu = poo shit, shit poo
Bichon + boxer = bitch box - sounds like a gaming system for that one special time of the month. Games are too violent and bloody for me.
Border terrier + Sheltie Crosser = Border Crosser - Not sure where they're from.
Now putting myself in the mindset of a dogs, I tried to understand why dogs do bad things and what they are thinking at the time.
My friend Stains here is politely begging for a sweet treat, but do they have to torture him with a plate full of cupcakes?
Then there is Toby, who has a butt itch he can't quite scratch. What does he do? This:
Which brings me to my next thing dogs do that I'll never quite understand, eating cat poo. Is it because it smells fishy? Did the cat talk up a lot of false bullshit about them hiding "treats" in their litter box? I could only imagine the texture of it being like warm cheesecake filling rolled in grape nuts, except it's rocks and poop stuck in your teeth.
These are only a few examples: Dogs tearing up pillows and stuffed animals to pulling all of the trash out of the trash can. Ripping apart a full roll of paper towel is also a dogs favorite way to get back at us as soon as we leave the house. The worst has to be a steaming pile of number 2 and even worse if it's runny and you step in it.
But even if you haven't discovered what it is your dog has done yet, there are some signs to tell how bad they have been. To do this, all you have to say is, " _______ what did you do?!
Level of Naughty:
Low - Dog will avoid looking directly at you and lay somewhere else.
Moderate - Dog will squint eyes and roll on their back in submission.
High - Dog will squint eyes, show a toothy smile, and beg for forgiveness.
Severe - Dog will run and hide in another room in their typical hiding place. They think they are clever, but we caught on a long time ago. I didn't say dogs were very good at hide and seek.
Now my mind has taken a ridiculous stop in the "what if" department. Well, what if dogs could walk on two legs and had nice office jobs? Could you imagine dogs dressed in business suits strolling through an office building filled with desks and cubicles? I also imagine they would say hi to each other, then stop to sniff each others butts, then continue to their desk with cup of coffee in their paw.I'm sure the person in charge of HR would be a cat, they are always witches.
This is probably a good stopping point. If I continued on from here, I'm pretty sure this post would skew into nothing more than psycho babble and we don't need any more of that.
However, we could always use a little more tiger blood and.........
See you next time.
Good reader. Oh I spoke too soon, I told you not to pee on my new rug!
That's okay, you're just a puppy.
But seriously folks, this edition of random is all about "Canis lupus familiaris" aka dog. We humans decided to domesticate the gray wolf about 15,000 years ago to fill the void in our lives we so desperately needed.
They keep us company, protect us, eat our crumbs off the floor, pull our sleds, assist our disabled, and much more. I would like them to learn to do the following:
- Ironing - I would first have to create an iron a dog could hold with a paw.
- Personal Driver - He could just bark out the window if someone cuts him off.
- Body Double - Let me know if this is possible.
- Make sandwiches - No mustard or hair, or I take it back.
- Martial Arts - Dog kung fu would be awesome and cute.
- Speak English - He could tell the cat to fuck off.
Then I realized this could go wrong. I could come back as one of those tiny male lapdogs that get girly names and are made to wear tiny dresses and outfits. No wonder they are always shaking. The cat would sit in his corner mocking me and I'd have to tell him to fuck off.
Next I wondered what breed I might be and realized the ridiculous possibilities of cross breeds out there such as:
Bull dog + shih tzu = bull shit, dog shit
Poodle + shih tzu = poo shit, shit poo
Bichon + boxer = bitch box - sounds like a gaming system for that one special time of the month. Games are too violent and bloody for me.
Border terrier + Sheltie Crosser = Border Crosser - Not sure where they're from.
Now putting myself in the mindset of a dogs, I tried to understand why dogs do bad things and what they are thinking at the time.
My friend Stains here is politely begging for a sweet treat, but do they have to torture him with a plate full of cupcakes?
Then there is Toby, who has a butt itch he can't quite scratch. What does he do? This:
Which brings me to my next thing dogs do that I'll never quite understand, eating cat poo. Is it because it smells fishy? Did the cat talk up a lot of false bullshit about them hiding "treats" in their litter box? I could only imagine the texture of it being like warm cheesecake filling rolled in grape nuts, except it's rocks and poop stuck in your teeth.
These are only a few examples: Dogs tearing up pillows and stuffed animals to pulling all of the trash out of the trash can. Ripping apart a full roll of paper towel is also a dogs favorite way to get back at us as soon as we leave the house. The worst has to be a steaming pile of number 2 and even worse if it's runny and you step in it.
But even if you haven't discovered what it is your dog has done yet, there are some signs to tell how bad they have been. To do this, all you have to say is, " _______ what did you do?!
Level of Naughty:
Low - Dog will avoid looking directly at you and lay somewhere else.
Moderate - Dog will squint eyes and roll on their back in submission.
High - Dog will squint eyes, show a toothy smile, and beg for forgiveness.
Severe - Dog will run and hide in another room in their typical hiding place. They think they are clever, but we caught on a long time ago. I didn't say dogs were very good at hide and seek.
Now my mind has taken a ridiculous stop in the "what if" department. Well, what if dogs could walk on two legs and had nice office jobs? Could you imagine dogs dressed in business suits strolling through an office building filled with desks and cubicles? I also imagine they would say hi to each other, then stop to sniff each others butts, then continue to their desk with cup of coffee in their paw.I'm sure the person in charge of HR would be a cat, they are always witches.
This is probably a good stopping point. If I continued on from here, I'm pretty sure this post would skew into nothing more than psycho babble and we don't need any more of that.
However, we could always use a little more tiger blood and.........
See you next time.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Hoax, myth, or extinction?
Hello again. By the way, that's a nice shirt you're wearing, it matches your personality.
So I was thinking about how fast we grow up and how as children everything is new, exciting, scary, and magical. That is until we are conditioned to eliminate our imagination and daydreaming by the whole idea of growing up. For me, this started with my second grade teacher who I will call, Crayon Nazi.
Crayon Nazi would walk around the room with a scowl on her face and a creased uni-brow, dressed in a dark formal prep school suit, watching us color our pages with crayons and colored pencils. It was a quiet and relaxing activity until you felt her cold shadow cast over you from behind. She stood there analyzing for a few moments until her judgment of criticism was processed.
She would frequently stop to tell me I could only color in one direction and that I was holding my writing utensils with too many fingers. When we were all finished, she would collect all of them and write little notes like, "What is this supposed to be," or "Not Real." Maybe I should write her a letter thanking her for terrorizing me and stealing my innocence, using crayons, coloring in both directions. I'll put a unicorn on the front, playing poker with a leprechaun and superman. That will teach the witch.
Then there are those who manage to, through their imaginative thoughts and ideas to create some ridiculous things and try to pass it off as truth and despite everything and everyone who told them to stop dreaming, they did otherwise. So......
What's about 6 foot tall, covered in brownish fur, and makes weird noises?
If you answered, Robin Williams, you're correct.
Actually I was really referring to mythical creatures, unidentified cryptids, and just bizarre animal hybrids people imagine into their own realities.
Here are a few different types and along the way I have even discovered a connection between them that is completely obvious and un-life changing. See if you can spot the similarities.
Yeti aka "Abominable Snowman"
White, between 5-6 feet tall, known to throw stones as weapons, and from the east. This description actually fits some of my relatives. Usually lives in rural mountain areas and cold climates. They can be heard in the distance whistling (maybe a mating call to the sexy Yeti ladies) and are said to have magical blood.
Magical blood?! I better hope Voldemort doesn't read my blog. Er, I mean the-one-whos-name-is-not-supposed-to-be-said-because-he-will-find-you-and-he-be-rapin'-everybody-out-here.
But seriously, if you see one, don't approach it. It takes professionals to befriend one and to get it to put the star on top of their Christmas trees.
Bigfoot aka "Sasquatch"
An apelike creature known to walk on two legs, most commonly spotted in the pacific north west. Not sure if that in some way is connected to the high concentration of marijuana, because I heard Bigfoots (or is it Bigfeet?) like to get high.
They have been reported to be anywhere from 5 to 8 feet tall and sport brownish to reddish fur. One unfortunate sighting happened once outside of a rehab center. It was female around 5 to 6 feet tall and had bright red fur. However, the claims were quickly dismissed once they had realized that it was Lindsay Lohan who had been released from the facility that day and had lost her Lady Venus razor a week ago.
Some claims I've heard have been pretty convincing, but after seeing the following video I am not so sure. Warning: Incredibly Awesome!
Again I would advise everyone to avoid these elusive creatures not only are we unsure of their danger, but mainly becasue they don't take practical jokes very well. Following video is rated H for hilarious.
But let's say one day we discovered a large population of Bigfoot. Let us also imagine that they were mostly well behaved and were integrated into our society. There would be a new set of demands by the race of Bigfoot that would cause me to corner the market based on their needs.
Three words: Bigfoot hair products.
Assuming that they had well paid jobs and disposable income, they would have to spend a fortune on my Bigfoot hair products. I would sell things like:
Different neon color hair dyes
Extra-long extensions
Forest pine scented shampoos
Thick bristled hairbrushes
Chamomile flea bath salts
Little color beads for braids
Can you tell that I was one of the ones that never let go of my imagination?
Chewbacca aka "Chewie"
Okay, so if you took Bigfoot and you gave him a Donald Trump comb back hairstyle, strapped an ammo belt over his shoulder and put a laser gun in his hands, you would get a Wookiee.
I've watched all of the Star Wars movies once through and didn't remember much so I had to refer to The Star Wars "Wookieepedia." Who knew he was a husband and a father? I didn't. And now that I do, how the hell is that relevant to my life?
All I know is that if I was on the run as a fugitive in space, I would want a Wookiee to have my back. I'd have one hell of a bill though when he got back from the groomers.
Despite all of the brushing and telling him to stop licking his crotch in front of people, no one can resist his accent. He always did have a way with words.
Now can you tell me, were you able to watch that without cracking a smile? If so, you are dead inside.
Even though I am all grown up, I refuse to believe that magic doesn't exist in some form or other. Especially when I go to see a movie where people become superheroes, wizards, or they do extraordinary things. I pull the straw out of my drink cup while exiting the theater and as I leave, I try to cast spells on the people waiting in line for the bathroom. Sometimes I still believe to this day after going to see Truman Show, that my whole life has been a television show and I am the only one who doesn't know.
Well, that's about it for now. Just remember, it's okay to have an imagination as an adult, as long as it doesn't get to Neverland levels. Jamone!
So I was thinking about how fast we grow up and how as children everything is new, exciting, scary, and magical. That is until we are conditioned to eliminate our imagination and daydreaming by the whole idea of growing up. For me, this started with my second grade teacher who I will call, Crayon Nazi.
Crayon Nazi would walk around the room with a scowl on her face and a creased uni-brow, dressed in a dark formal prep school suit, watching us color our pages with crayons and colored pencils. It was a quiet and relaxing activity until you felt her cold shadow cast over you from behind. She stood there analyzing for a few moments until her judgment of criticism was processed.
She would frequently stop to tell me I could only color in one direction and that I was holding my writing utensils with too many fingers. When we were all finished, she would collect all of them and write little notes like, "What is this supposed to be," or "Not Real." Maybe I should write her a letter thanking her for terrorizing me and stealing my innocence, using crayons, coloring in both directions. I'll put a unicorn on the front, playing poker with a leprechaun and superman. That will teach the witch.
Then there are those who manage to, through their imaginative thoughts and ideas to create some ridiculous things and try to pass it off as truth and despite everything and everyone who told them to stop dreaming, they did otherwise. So......
What's about 6 foot tall, covered in brownish fur, and makes weird noises?
If you answered, Robin Williams, you're correct.
Actually I was really referring to mythical creatures, unidentified cryptids, and just bizarre animal hybrids people imagine into their own realities.
Here are a few different types and along the way I have even discovered a connection between them that is completely obvious and un-life changing. See if you can spot the similarities.
Yeti aka "Abominable Snowman"
White, between 5-6 feet tall, known to throw stones as weapons, and from the east. This description actually fits some of my relatives. Usually lives in rural mountain areas and cold climates. They can be heard in the distance whistling (maybe a mating call to the sexy Yeti ladies) and are said to have magical blood.
Magical blood?! I better hope Voldemort doesn't read my blog. Er, I mean the-one-whos-name-is-not-supposed-to-be-said-because-he-will-find-you-and-he-be-rapin'-everybody-out-here.
But seriously, if you see one, don't approach it. It takes professionals to befriend one and to get it to put the star on top of their Christmas trees.
Bigfoot aka "Sasquatch"
An apelike creature known to walk on two legs, most commonly spotted in the pacific north west. Not sure if that in some way is connected to the high concentration of marijuana, because I heard Bigfoots (or is it Bigfeet?) like to get high.
They have been reported to be anywhere from 5 to 8 feet tall and sport brownish to reddish fur. One unfortunate sighting happened once outside of a rehab center. It was female around 5 to 6 feet tall and had bright red fur. However, the claims were quickly dismissed once they had realized that it was Lindsay Lohan who had been released from the facility that day and had lost her Lady Venus razor a week ago.
Some claims I've heard have been pretty convincing, but after seeing the following video I am not so sure. Warning: Incredibly Awesome!
Again I would advise everyone to avoid these elusive creatures not only are we unsure of their danger, but mainly becasue they don't take practical jokes very well. Following video is rated H for hilarious.
But let's say one day we discovered a large population of Bigfoot. Let us also imagine that they were mostly well behaved and were integrated into our society. There would be a new set of demands by the race of Bigfoot that would cause me to corner the market based on their needs.
Three words: Bigfoot hair products.
Assuming that they had well paid jobs and disposable income, they would have to spend a fortune on my Bigfoot hair products. I would sell things like:
Different neon color hair dyes
Extra-long extensions
Forest pine scented shampoos
Thick bristled hairbrushes
Chamomile flea bath salts
Little color beads for braids
Can you tell that I was one of the ones that never let go of my imagination?
Chewbacca aka "Chewie"
Okay, so if you took Bigfoot and you gave him a Donald Trump comb back hairstyle, strapped an ammo belt over his shoulder and put a laser gun in his hands, you would get a Wookiee.
I've watched all of the Star Wars movies once through and didn't remember much so I had to refer to The Star Wars "Wookieepedia." Who knew he was a husband and a father? I didn't. And now that I do, how the hell is that relevant to my life?
All I know is that if I was on the run as a fugitive in space, I would want a Wookiee to have my back. I'd have one hell of a bill though when he got back from the groomers.
Despite all of the brushing and telling him to stop licking his crotch in front of people, no one can resist his accent. He always did have a way with words.
Now can you tell me, were you able to watch that without cracking a smile? If so, you are dead inside.
Even though I am all grown up, I refuse to believe that magic doesn't exist in some form or other. Especially when I go to see a movie where people become superheroes, wizards, or they do extraordinary things. I pull the straw out of my drink cup while exiting the theater and as I leave, I try to cast spells on the people waiting in line for the bathroom. Sometimes I still believe to this day after going to see Truman Show, that my whole life has been a television show and I am the only one who doesn't know.
Well, that's about it for now. Just remember, it's okay to have an imagination as an adult, as long as it doesn't get to Neverland levels. Jamone!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Bugs Are Evil - Here's Why
Guess who's back? Yep, it's me. And boy, let me tell you I've had the most interesting month since I've posted last. Went on a great vacation, spent some time with family, totaled my car in an accident, which is ironic especially after my driving post. I also had quite a bit of time to relax and think about the bigger picture of life.
The first realization is that on the outside looking in, it seems ridiculous for someone to be mad at something that cannot recognize being mad at. Even more, being mad about not being able to be mad, if that makes sense.
I'm being vague aren't I?
How about we talk about entomology? Bugs. They piss me off. Not because I'm some crazy who thinks he hears them talking behind his back and that one time they kept threatening to shit in my cereal box. That only happened once. I'm talking about when they scare the crap out of me any and every way they can.
Do you think I'm going to tell you the ways they manage to traumatize me? Yes!
In order to do this, I must tell you that different bugs have their own special way they like to say hello.
Cockroach
This has to be the worst bug, not in terms of danger but of gross factor. Roaches are the prostitutes of the bug world. They do "it" all day, spread disease, and who knows where they've been. They also have ninja type qualities. When you see one, you go look for something to hit it with and you take longer if you don't want to hit it with your new shoe or have trouble finding something flat. By the time you have your weapon ready, the little bastard is already gone. So you go sit down, feeling paranoid, knowing it's somewhere, watching you. After you feel comfortable that it's gone, that son of a bitch is chilling right next to you.
Let's not forget, they eat their own poo. But then again they did outlive the dinosaurs.....
Crickets
These bugs are pretty tame , but they more than make up for it with their mental problems. Some people say they are "making music" with their legs like a bow on a violin, they actually suffer from tourettes and paranoia. First they freak out and can't stop saying,"Hey, hey hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" Then when you get close, the paranoia sets in, it becomes silent and you can't figure out where the hell the noise was coming from. The worse is the surprise attack, when they hop at you and you yell, "WTF is that?!"
More than anything though, they are annoying. Because I live in a hot climate and crickets chirp at higher rates the hotter the temperature is, I think I get the short end of the stick living here. Kind of ironic that only the males do the chirping eh? However, they "sing" aggressive when telling others off, quietly when "doing it," and a victory song after finishing mating. Yep, sounds about right haha.
Spiders
They are not very fast bugs but I think the danger factor and all the extra body parts is what makes me shit my pants when I see them. I never understood why they were so aggressive but then I imagined if I was being approached by something huge and I saw eight of everything, like being attacked by a clone army.
The only thing that grosses me out about them is that they can be as hairy as Robin Williams and that they kidnap things in their butt-string. Does it smell? Would I need a tiny nose to know?
I would feel better if they wore shoes on all of their eight legs and a tiny hat, yeah that would work. And maybe a manacle..... and a cane?
I could give you examples from every bug species, but there are 1.3 million different ones and I just don't have that kind of time.
I tried to sympathize with them and imagined what was going through a bug's mind when being assaulted with bug spray. "Rain? Indoors? Wait, is that the smell of flowers? How nice! Cough, cough. Can't breathe!" Then they start kicking their legs frantically and slowly stop moving. They are so dramatic. I'm going to record some sad violin music and play it in the background after spraying one of those suckers. No bug funerals though, just one flush and a trip to sea.
Thanks for coming back readers, old and new. Just remember, if you hate bugs, move to Antarctica, there's no spiders there.
The first realization is that on the outside looking in, it seems ridiculous for someone to be mad at something that cannot recognize being mad at. Even more, being mad about not being able to be mad, if that makes sense.
I'm being vague aren't I?
How about we talk about entomology? Bugs. They piss me off. Not because I'm some crazy who thinks he hears them talking behind his back and that one time they kept threatening to shit in my cereal box. That only happened once. I'm talking about when they scare the crap out of me any and every way they can.
Do you think I'm going to tell you the ways they manage to traumatize me? Yes!
In order to do this, I must tell you that different bugs have their own special way they like to say hello.
Cockroach
This has to be the worst bug, not in terms of danger but of gross factor. Roaches are the prostitutes of the bug world. They do "it" all day, spread disease, and who knows where they've been. They also have ninja type qualities. When you see one, you go look for something to hit it with and you take longer if you don't want to hit it with your new shoe or have trouble finding something flat. By the time you have your weapon ready, the little bastard is already gone. So you go sit down, feeling paranoid, knowing it's somewhere, watching you. After you feel comfortable that it's gone, that son of a bitch is chilling right next to you.
Let's not forget, they eat their own poo. But then again they did outlive the dinosaurs.....
Crickets
These bugs are pretty tame , but they more than make up for it with their mental problems. Some people say they are "making music" with their legs like a bow on a violin, they actually suffer from tourettes and paranoia. First they freak out and can't stop saying,"Hey, hey hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" Then when you get close, the paranoia sets in, it becomes silent and you can't figure out where the hell the noise was coming from. The worse is the surprise attack, when they hop at you and you yell, "WTF is that?!"
More than anything though, they are annoying. Because I live in a hot climate and crickets chirp at higher rates the hotter the temperature is, I think I get the short end of the stick living here. Kind of ironic that only the males do the chirping eh? However, they "sing" aggressive when telling others off, quietly when "doing it," and a victory song after finishing mating. Yep, sounds about right haha.
Spiders
They are not very fast bugs but I think the danger factor and all the extra body parts is what makes me shit my pants when I see them. I never understood why they were so aggressive but then I imagined if I was being approached by something huge and I saw eight of everything, like being attacked by a clone army.
The only thing that grosses me out about them is that they can be as hairy as Robin Williams and that they kidnap things in their butt-string. Does it smell? Would I need a tiny nose to know?
I would feel better if they wore shoes on all of their eight legs and a tiny hat, yeah that would work. And maybe a manacle..... and a cane?
I could give you examples from every bug species, but there are 1.3 million different ones and I just don't have that kind of time.
I tried to sympathize with them and imagined what was going through a bug's mind when being assaulted with bug spray. "Rain? Indoors? Wait, is that the smell of flowers? How nice! Cough, cough. Can't breathe!" Then they start kicking their legs frantically and slowly stop moving. They are so dramatic. I'm going to record some sad violin music and play it in the background after spraying one of those suckers. No bug funerals though, just one flush and a trip to sea.
Thanks for coming back readers, old and new. Just remember, if you hate bugs, move to Antarctica, there's no spiders there.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
It's a bird, it's a plane, no really, it's a plane
Hello blog readers, and by that I mean real people who came to Euphemisms of Life on purpose, and not led here astray by shifty search engines like a desperate human trafficker.
I took a two week break to gather my thoughts and to see if I have anyone who genuinely checks back to read my nonsense. Results show that my variations on the pictures I post are rather popular, as well as certain phrases. I might be the next Donald Trump or Paris Hilton; my catch phrase will be, "That's hot, you're fired." I'm glad neither of them read this, or I would owe them more money than I could possibly raise at a car wash to save my legs from being broken.
I always try to have something in the near future to look forward to, especially to get me through long work days and life's minor annoyances.
Currently I'm dealing with our home flooding in different places every weekend, conveniently when management and maintenance are off duty. It's almost like a scene out of a horror movie, water coming out of the ceiling where the exhaust fan is, water trickling inside of the linen closet from god knows where, and as of today, water spraying out of the water heater in our storage closet like a sauna. Anyone know which retirement home I can find Aquaman at?
So I come to the conclusion that my family and I need to get away for awhile on vacation. The hardest part of course is going to be the wait. A couple of short weeks to go, but already I am going over the fine details in my head, and when I start thinking, the sarcastic hemisphere of my brain fires up.
I thought of some ways to make people feel more comfortable at the airport, but be warned they may not be fast nor efficient.
Terminal-ly Ill
First off, some airports are large and intimidating just approaching the unloading zones. I would eliminate these drop offs into two categories: "Within America" and "Elsewhere." Personally, I would think to myself, "Okay, this is pretty easy, I am not going out of the states so I go this way." I only say this because the last time I went to the airport there were so many terminals, I got lost right away. If I went to one of those large directories like in the shopping malls that indicated where you are with a star, it would read, "You are lost, dumbass."
In-security
Next, I thought about the security screening. I would make two lines: One for the ugly people and another for everyone else. This might make lines go faster since the unattractive flyers would rather be patted down than x-rayed. Who ever thought you would ever have to choose between someone grabbing your balls or looking at a picture of them? Whatever you do though, be polite, or you might just get a full body prison search by a handsome mustachioed woman named Betty Jean.
The second part of this is arriving in suitable attire. Wear a burlap sack with a drawstring and anything made out of wool or hemp. If you set off that metal detector, you might get deported, hopefully to your intended international destination.
Thirdly, pack your bags wisely. If it looks like you are trying to smuggle C-3PO on your carry on luggage, you might be delayed a while. I'll have to remember to bundle up my cell phone charger and any other cords neatly and to put a sign that is visible through the x-ray conveyor that says, "No bombs here, have a nice day, smiley face."
Budget cuts = No nuts
Many airlines feeling the pinch of the recession and higher operating costs have had to cut back on some luxuries in addition to increasing fares, checking bags, etc. One of the things that people enjoyed in flight was the complimentary peanuts, pretzels, and soda, until most had to take them away. I would still like to give something back to the customers, therefore I would have my employees give complimentary compliments. For example if a woman asks a flight attendant for a drink, the flight attendant could say, "I'm sorry we don't have any complimentary beverages or snacks anymore, however, that shirt matches your eyes well."
Three strikes your out
I would have all the planes fitted with a trap door under each seat. Each passenger has three strikes before their trap door opens and they parachute to the ground (Only if they paid the extra $35 for the parachute option).
Unacceptable behavior includes: coughing or sneezing all over the person next to you without covering your mouth, spending too long in the bathroom and or stinking it up, talking constantly and or laughing obnoxiously at a loud volume, etc.
Some things will have to be decided via rock, paper scissors, like, who gets the arm rest, the window seat, and so on.
Well that about wraps up my sarcastic take on revamping the airport. It's good to see you again, and I mean you, a real person. Not you, search engine people trafficker thingy.
I took a two week break to gather my thoughts and to see if I have anyone who genuinely checks back to read my nonsense. Results show that my variations on the pictures I post are rather popular, as well as certain phrases. I might be the next Donald Trump or Paris Hilton; my catch phrase will be, "That's hot, you're fired." I'm glad neither of them read this, or I would owe them more money than I could possibly raise at a car wash to save my legs from being broken.
I always try to have something in the near future to look forward to, especially to get me through long work days and life's minor annoyances.
Currently I'm dealing with our home flooding in different places every weekend, conveniently when management and maintenance are off duty. It's almost like a scene out of a horror movie, water coming out of the ceiling where the exhaust fan is, water trickling inside of the linen closet from god knows where, and as of today, water spraying out of the water heater in our storage closet like a sauna. Anyone know which retirement home I can find Aquaman at?
So I come to the conclusion that my family and I need to get away for awhile on vacation. The hardest part of course is going to be the wait. A couple of short weeks to go, but already I am going over the fine details in my head, and when I start thinking, the sarcastic hemisphere of my brain fires up.
I thought of some ways to make people feel more comfortable at the airport, but be warned they may not be fast nor efficient.
Terminal-ly Ill
First off, some airports are large and intimidating just approaching the unloading zones. I would eliminate these drop offs into two categories: "Within America" and "Elsewhere." Personally, I would think to myself, "Okay, this is pretty easy, I am not going out of the states so I go this way." I only say this because the last time I went to the airport there were so many terminals, I got lost right away. If I went to one of those large directories like in the shopping malls that indicated where you are with a star, it would read, "You are lost, dumbass."
In-security
Next, I thought about the security screening. I would make two lines: One for the ugly people and another for everyone else. This might make lines go faster since the unattractive flyers would rather be patted down than x-rayed. Who ever thought you would ever have to choose between someone grabbing your balls or looking at a picture of them? Whatever you do though, be polite, or you might just get a full body prison search by a handsome mustachioed woman named Betty Jean.
The second part of this is arriving in suitable attire. Wear a burlap sack with a drawstring and anything made out of wool or hemp. If you set off that metal detector, you might get deported, hopefully to your intended international destination.
Thirdly, pack your bags wisely. If it looks like you are trying to smuggle C-3PO on your carry on luggage, you might be delayed a while. I'll have to remember to bundle up my cell phone charger and any other cords neatly and to put a sign that is visible through the x-ray conveyor that says, "No bombs here, have a nice day, smiley face."
Budget cuts = No nuts
Many airlines feeling the pinch of the recession and higher operating costs have had to cut back on some luxuries in addition to increasing fares, checking bags, etc. One of the things that people enjoyed in flight was the complimentary peanuts, pretzels, and soda, until most had to take them away. I would still like to give something back to the customers, therefore I would have my employees give complimentary compliments. For example if a woman asks a flight attendant for a drink, the flight attendant could say, "I'm sorry we don't have any complimentary beverages or snacks anymore, however, that shirt matches your eyes well."
Three strikes your out
I would have all the planes fitted with a trap door under each seat. Each passenger has three strikes before their trap door opens and they parachute to the ground (Only if they paid the extra $35 for the parachute option).
Unacceptable behavior includes: coughing or sneezing all over the person next to you without covering your mouth, spending too long in the bathroom and or stinking it up, talking constantly and or laughing obnoxiously at a loud volume, etc.
Some things will have to be decided via rock, paper scissors, like, who gets the arm rest, the window seat, and so on.
Well that about wraps up my sarcastic take on revamping the airport. It's good to see you again, and I mean you, a real person. Not you, search engine people trafficker thingy.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Obey These New Traffic Signs
Driving can be fun, when it's something you want to do and not have to. Roads trips for example are a blast, for the most part, until you get to the last third of the trip when everyone is tired, hungry, and homesick. Not to mention spending long bouts of time with other people in close proximity, they tend to get grouchy and animalistic, doubly worse when it's friends and family to bicker with. Everyone turns into a diva.
But when I have to drive to work, driving becomes more of a chore. To begin with, the stress of knowing you are about to spend the majority of your day indoors with the rude population sets the tone. Then racing the clock to arrive at the workplace on time, despite horrible drivers and seemingly overbearing stretches of road construction. I drive past a happy family with bikes and camping gear strapped to the roof of their car, just rubbing it in my face, I pull over and do a rain dance to spite them.
Let me ask you a simple question.
Do you like or despise driving?
Either way, please enjoy the following modifications using driving scenarios, road signs, and a motor vehicle learning manual.
Back to thefuture junkyard
It seems that if you drive backwards for at least 6 seconds your car will explode. Either that or the person in the first car is elderly/from out of state and is causing each subsequent driver to be 3 seconds closer to losing their shit.
Also, do giants work for the department of transportation? Then who screwed in that enormous Phillips screw?
Go too slow, get the ray gun
When I get stuck between two cars driving at the same slow rate of speed blocking my path, I wait for one of them to get over. Then I make my move. I pass between them and shoot my blinding ray from both sides.
Don't stop, give props
This one may be a little dangerous and I also do not recommend anyone attempting this, but when done right, makes all the difference. 1 point for high fiving on the same road passing by, 2 points for high fiving while passing in opposite turn lanes.
Diamonds of weird warnings
I can deal with the bears, squids, and bees, but not the cat's butt-hole. Disgusting.
It's fun to stay at the
Sorry, couldn't help myself.
There are many other signs that are pretty mediocre at best, including all of the tetris shapes. Could you imagine giant tetris shapes falling out of the sky?
In any case I wish everyone would take a second to think before they get in their cars and just
By the way, if you have any say about construction zones, please tell them to do sections at a time, do not close entire roads and not have any workers for spans of weeks at a time, and let me know ahead of time so I can plan accordingly!
Well, time for me to go. Thank you for stopping by, you are always welcome here.
But when I have to drive to work, driving becomes more of a chore. To begin with, the stress of knowing you are about to spend the majority of your day indoors with the rude population sets the tone. Then racing the clock to arrive at the workplace on time, despite horrible drivers and seemingly overbearing stretches of road construction. I drive past a happy family with bikes and camping gear strapped to the roof of their car, just rubbing it in my face, I pull over and do a rain dance to spite them.
Let me ask you a simple question.
Do you like or despise driving?
Either way, please enjoy the following modifications using driving scenarios, road signs, and a motor vehicle learning manual.
Back to the
It seems that if you drive backwards for at least 6 seconds your car will explode. Either that or the person in the first car is elderly/from out of state and is causing each subsequent driver to be 3 seconds closer to losing their shit.
Also, do giants work for the department of transportation? Then who screwed in that enormous Phillips screw?
Go too slow, get the ray gun
When I get stuck between two cars driving at the same slow rate of speed blocking my path, I wait for one of them to get over. Then I make my move. I pass between them and shoot my blinding ray from both sides.
Don't stop, give props
Diamonds of weird warnings
I can deal with the bears, squids, and bees, but not the cat's butt-hole. Disgusting.
It's fun to stay at the
There are many other signs that are pretty mediocre at best, including all of the tetris shapes. Could you imagine giant tetris shapes falling out of the sky?
In any case I wish everyone would take a second to think before they get in their cars and just
By the way, if you have any say about construction zones, please tell them to do sections at a time, do not close entire roads and not have any workers for spans of weeks at a time, and let me know ahead of time so I can plan accordingly!
Well, time for me to go. Thank you for stopping by, you are always welcome here.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
More Like: New Years Devolutions
Let's get this out of the way, Happy New Years!
Great, now I have to get used to writing 2011. I'm going to bet, right now, that I forget and put 2010 for months. Oh well, at least I can only mess up for another year according to my Mayan calendar, it was on clearance.
This actually reminds me of something ridiculous my mom said to me about the movie 2012. We were talking about the end of the world aka the "apocalypse" and my mom says to me, "Have you seen the movie 2012 yet?" I said no. She then says to me, "It's based on a true story." I couldn't help but laugh at her and point out that not only were we 2 years away from 2012, but John Cusack was a robot.
I'm going to make another prediction to say that 2012 will be another "Y2K" episode, in the way that people will freak out and stock up on 400 rolls of toilet paper and 6,895 cans of mushroom soup. I hate mushrooms.
So according to the Chinese Zodiac 2011 is the year of the rabbit, well technically as of February 3rd. What this means is that every Super Chinese Buffet has specials on rabbit dishes. 2010, year of the tiger was delicious, but only the orange ones. (Note: I have never eaten a tiger. Please do not attempt this, you may be the one eaten.)
If you were born in the year of the rabbit your characteristics may include: wrinkling your nose, hopping, biting, crapping pellets, and looking like a dumbass. I don't trust anything with eyes on the sides of their head.
Anyhow, besides the lethal combination of getting drunk and shooting off fireworks in close proximity to your family and friends, New Years is more about the Resolutions you are supposed to make and stick with through the new year. This never happens.
I'm going to list for you some examples of common resolutions, but I translate them to what people really mean. Here are 2011's New Year Devolutions:
1. Dieting
What people say:
I am going to lose weight
What they mean:
I am going to eat a salad on Jan. 1st, a value menu with Diet Cola on Jan. 2nd, and only a single Family size bag of Doritos on Jan 3rd, Then on Jan 4th I will look at myself in the mirror and give up, pledging to diet in 2012.
2. Better your character
What people say:
I want to have a more positive attitude towards others.
What they mean:
I will "try" to be nice to the first person I see, but I swear, if they give me attitude I'm going to tear their face off! If I get thrown in court ordered anger management on more time.....
3. Budgeting
What people say:
I'm going to pay off my debts and save money.
What they mean:
If I have any money left after bills, I'm going shopping, woo! I have to get more friends for my troll doll collection!
Other common ones I've heard of are quitting smoking, keeping more organized, watching less tv, etc.
The only resolutions I personally promise to keep, is to take care of my family, work hard at my job, and continue writing here.
I hope one of your resolutions is to continue to read this wonderfully weird and incredibly ridiculous collection of words that is my blog.
You keep it alive, thanks.
Great, now I have to get used to writing 2011. I'm going to bet, right now, that I forget and put 2010 for months. Oh well, at least I can only mess up for another year according to my Mayan calendar, it was on clearance.
This actually reminds me of something ridiculous my mom said to me about the movie 2012. We were talking about the end of the world aka the "apocalypse" and my mom says to me, "Have you seen the movie 2012 yet?" I said no. She then says to me, "It's based on a true story." I couldn't help but laugh at her and point out that not only were we 2 years away from 2012, but John Cusack was a robot.
I'm going to make another prediction to say that 2012 will be another "Y2K" episode, in the way that people will freak out and stock up on 400 rolls of toilet paper and 6,895 cans of mushroom soup. I hate mushrooms.
So according to the Chinese Zodiac 2011 is the year of the rabbit, well technically as of February 3rd. What this means is that every Super Chinese Buffet has specials on rabbit dishes. 2010, year of the tiger was delicious, but only the orange ones. (Note: I have never eaten a tiger. Please do not attempt this, you may be the one eaten.)
If you were born in the year of the rabbit your characteristics may include: wrinkling your nose, hopping, biting, crapping pellets, and looking like a dumbass. I don't trust anything with eyes on the sides of their head.
Anyhow, besides the lethal combination of getting drunk and shooting off fireworks in close proximity to your family and friends, New Years is more about the Resolutions you are supposed to make and stick with through the new year. This never happens.
I'm going to list for you some examples of common resolutions, but I translate them to what people really mean. Here are 2011's New Year Devolutions:
1. Dieting
What people say:
I am going to lose weight
What they mean:
I am going to eat a salad on Jan. 1st, a value menu with Diet Cola on Jan. 2nd, and only a single Family size bag of Doritos on Jan 3rd, Then on Jan 4th I will look at myself in the mirror and give up, pledging to diet in 2012.
2. Better your character
What people say:
I want to have a more positive attitude towards others.
What they mean:
I will "try" to be nice to the first person I see, but I swear, if they give me attitude I'm going to tear their face off! If I get thrown in court ordered anger management on more time.....
3. Budgeting
What people say:
I'm going to pay off my debts and save money.
What they mean:
If I have any money left after bills, I'm going shopping, woo! I have to get more friends for my troll doll collection!
Other common ones I've heard of are quitting smoking, keeping more organized, watching less tv, etc.
The only resolutions I personally promise to keep, is to take care of my family, work hard at my job, and continue writing here.
I hope one of your resolutions is to continue to read this wonderfully weird and incredibly ridiculous collection of words that is my blog.
You keep it alive, thanks.
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