Bugs Are Evil - Here's Why

Guess who's back? Yep, it's me. And boy, let me tell you I've had the most interesting month since I've posted last. Went on a great vacation, spent some time with family, totaled my car in an accident, which is ironic especially after my driving post. I also had quite a bit of time to relax and think about the bigger picture of life.


The first realization is that on the outside looking in, it seems ridiculous for someone to be mad at something that cannot recognize being mad at. Even more, being mad about not being able to be mad, if that makes sense.


I'm being vague aren't I?


How about we talk about entomology? Bugs. They piss me off. Not because I'm some crazy who thinks he hears them talking behind his back and that one time they kept threatening to shit in my cereal box. That only happened once. I'm talking about when they scare the crap out of me any and every way they can.


Do you think I'm going to tell you the ways they manage to traumatize me? Yes!


In order to do this, I must tell you that different bugs have their own special way they like to say hello.




Cockroach

This has to be the worst bug, not in terms of danger but of gross factor. Roaches are the prostitutes of the bug world. They do "it" all day, spread disease, and who knows where they've been. They also have ninja type qualities. When you see one, you go look for something to hit it with and you take longer if you don't want to hit it with your new shoe or have trouble finding something flat. By the time you have your weapon ready, the little bastard is already gone. So you go sit down, feeling paranoid, knowing it's somewhere, watching you. After you feel comfortable that it's gone, that son of a bitch is chilling right next to you.


Let's not forget, they eat their own poo. But then again they did outlive the dinosaurs.....


Crickets

These bugs are pretty tame , but they more than make up for it with their mental problems. Some people say they are "making music" with their legs like a bow on a violin, they actually suffer from tourettes and paranoia. First they freak out and can't stop saying,"Hey, hey hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" Then when you get close, the paranoia sets in, it becomes silent and you can't figure out where the hell the noise was coming from. The worse is the surprise attack, when they hop at you and you yell, "WTF is that?!"


More than anything though, they are annoying. Because I live in a hot climate and crickets chirp at higher rates the hotter the temperature is, I think I get the short end of the stick living here. Kind of ironic that only the males do the chirping eh? However, they "sing" aggressive when telling others off, quietly when "doing it," and a victory song after finishing mating. Yep, sounds about right haha.


Spiders

They are not very fast bugs but I think the danger factor and all the extra body parts is what makes me shit my pants when I see them. I never understood why they were so aggressive but then I imagined if I was being approached by something huge and I saw eight of everything, like being attacked by a clone army.


The only thing that grosses me out about them is that they can be as hairy as Robin Williams and that they kidnap things in their butt-string. Does it smell? Would I need a tiny nose to know?


I would feel better if they wore shoes on all of their eight legs and a tiny hat, yeah that would work. And maybe a manacle..... and a cane?


I could give you examples from every bug species, but there are 1.3 million different ones and I just don't have that kind of time.


I tried to sympathize with them and imagined what was going through a bug's mind when being assaulted with bug spray. "Rain? Indoors? Wait, is that the smell of flowers? How nice! Cough, cough. Can't breathe!" Then they start kicking their legs frantically and slowly stop moving. They are so dramatic. I'm going to record some sad violin music and play it in the background after spraying one of those suckers. No bug funerals though, just one flush and a trip to sea.


Thanks for coming back readers, old and new. Just remember, if you hate bugs, move to Antarctica, there's no spiders there.