Hoax, myth, or extinction?

Hello again. By the way, that's a nice shirt you're wearing, it matches your personality.


So I was thinking about how fast we grow up and how as children everything is new, exciting, scary, and magical. That is until we are conditioned to eliminate our imagination and daydreaming by the whole idea of growing up. For me, this started with my second grade teacher who I will call, Crayon Nazi.

Crayon Nazi would walk around the room with a scowl on her face and a creased uni-brow, dressed in a dark formal prep school suit, watching us color our pages with crayons and colored pencils. It was a quiet and relaxing activity until you felt her cold shadow cast over you from behind. She stood there analyzing for a few moments until her judgment of criticism was processed. 

She would frequently stop to tell me I could only color in one direction and that I was holding my writing utensils with too many fingers. When we were all finished, she would collect all of them and write little notes like, "What is this supposed to be," or  "Not Real." Maybe I should write her a letter thanking her for terrorizing me and stealing my innocence, using crayons, coloring in both directions. I'll put a unicorn on the front, playing poker with a leprechaun and superman. That will teach the witch.


Then there are those who manage to, through their imaginative thoughts and ideas to create some ridiculous things and try to pass it off as truth and despite everything and everyone who told them to stop dreaming, they did otherwise. So......


What's about 6 foot tall, covered in brownish fur, and makes weird noises?


If you answered, Robin Williams, you're correct.

Actually I was really referring to mythical creatures, unidentified cryptids, and just bizarre animal hybrids people imagine into their own realities.


Here are a few different types and along the way I have even discovered a connection between them that is completely obvious and un-life changing. See if you can spot the similarities.


Yeti aka "Abominable Snowman"

White, between 5-6 feet tall, known to throw stones as weapons, and from the east. This description actually fits some of my relatives. Usually lives in rural mountain areas and cold climates. They can be heard in the distance whistling (maybe a mating call to the sexy Yeti ladies) and are said to have magical blood.

Magical blood?! I better hope Voldemort doesn't read my blog. Er, I mean the-one-whos-name-is-not-supposed-to-be-said-because-he-will-find-you-and-he-be-rapin'-everybody-out-here.


But seriously, if you see one, don't approach it. It takes professionals to befriend one and to get it to put the star on top of their Christmas trees.

Bigfoot aka "Sasquatch"

An apelike creature known to walk on two legs, most commonly spotted in the pacific north west. Not sure if that in some way is connected to the high concentration of marijuana, because I heard Bigfoots (or is it Bigfeet?) like to get high.


They have been reported to be anywhere from 5 to 8 feet tall and sport brownish to reddish fur. One unfortunate sighting happened once outside of a rehab center. It was female around 5 to 6 feet tall and had bright red fur. However, the claims were quickly dismissed once they had realized that it was Lindsay Lohan who had been released from the facility that day and had lost her Lady Venus razor a week ago.


Some claims I've heard have been pretty convincing, but after seeing the following video I am not so sure. Warning: Incredibly Awesome!

Again I would advise everyone to avoid these elusive creatures not only are we unsure of their danger, but mainly becasue they don't take practical jokes very well. Following video is rated H for hilarious.

But let's say one day we discovered a large population of Bigfoot. Let us also imagine that they were mostly well behaved and were integrated into our society. There would be a new set of demands by the race of Bigfoot that would cause me to corner the market based on their needs.


Three words: Bigfoot hair products.


Assuming that they had well paid jobs and disposable income, they would have to spend a fortune on my Bigfoot hair products. I would sell things like:


Different neon color hair dyes
Extra-long extensions
Forest pine scented shampoos
Thick bristled hairbrushes
Chamomile flea bath salts
Little color beads for braids


Can you tell that I was one of the ones that never let go of my imagination?


Chewbacca aka "Chewie"

Okay, so if you took Bigfoot and you gave him a Donald Trump comb back hairstyle, strapped an ammo belt over his shoulder and put a laser gun in his hands, you would get a Wookiee.


I've watched all of the Star Wars movies once through and didn't remember much so I had to refer to The Star Wars "Wookieepedia." Who knew he was a husband and a father? I didn't. And now that I do, how the hell is that relevant to my life?


All I know is that if I was on the run as a fugitive in space, I would want a Wookiee to have my back. I'd have one hell of a bill though when he got back from the groomers.


Despite all of the brushing and telling him to stop licking his crotch in front of people, no one can resist his accent. He always did have a way with words.

Now can you tell me, were you able to watch that without cracking a smile? If so, you are dead inside.


Even though I am all grown up, I refuse to believe that magic doesn't exist in some form or other. Especially when I go to see a movie where people become superheroes, wizards, or they do extraordinary things. I pull the straw out of my drink cup while exiting the theater and as I leave, I try to cast spells on the people waiting in line for the bathroom. Sometimes I still believe to this day after going to see Truman Show, that my whole life has been a television show and I am the only one who doesn't know.


Well, that's about it for now. Just remember, it's okay to have an imagination as an adult, as long as it doesn't get to Neverland levels. Jamone!