So I've realized this holiday season has been very stereotypical. It's been stressful making sure everyone gets their gifts and making sure I've worked enough hours to have the money to pay for them. Then while working the extra time, I deal with the other people who are stuck in the vicious cycle that I am, but unlike myself, they choose to deal with it by letting primal rage and basic animal instincts take over. One such example is the fault of Justin Beiber, here's why:
Lady 1 looks around, walks over to shopping cart containing the only Justin Bieber doll in the store. She picks it up and puts it in her shopping cart, then looks around one more time with a smirk on her face.
Lady 2, who is further down the aisle looks up from the toys she was picking out and zeroes in on the now empty shopping cart which had the doll in it, the cart which was hers.
Lady 2 scans aisle like the terminator and sees Lady 1 with doll in her cart which is now parked near her cart.
This is where the "Bieber" hits the fan.
Lady 2: "Hey that was in my cart! It's MINE."
Lady 1: "Oh, I thought that cart was abandoned. You shouldn't leave your cart unattended."
Lady 2: "Oh yeah? Well you shouldn't take things out of people's carts, it's rude! Huh, can you believe that? Pssh. (Random curse words)
Lady 1 hands over the Justin Bieber doll defeated. Her face looked of an Olympic gold medalist who was just told they were disqualified for stealing a bowl haired teenage emo boy doll from an other person's cart.
My question is, why isn't anyone fighting over the tickle me Michael Jackson doll?
And don't even get me started on the Lindsay Lohan treatment center playset. Everyone kept returning them because they said it didn't work.
Speaking of returns, I have a few bizarre items people tried to return and I happened to witness.
1. Naughty DVD player.
Guy walks in, brings his DVD player to the counter, asks for a refund. The customer service girl opened it up, looked at it, and plugged it in to see if it worked. She presses the OPEN button and a porno DVD popped out. The guy had no shame, he just asked for his movie back.
2. These sheets will "put you to sleep."
Woman brings large bag in the store and pulls a various matching sheets out. The girl in the home furnishings department asked what was wrong with it and the woman says, "My mom died on these and doesn't need them anymore." In my head I thought, "Eww," and "Duh, obviously she doesn't need them "anymore." If I beleived in ghosts, in which sometimes I do, (read What I think about ghosts here), those sheets have a 96.7582 percent chance of being haunted.
3. Shoes with living ecosystem.
I was working in the shoe section when a woman brought a box of shoes to return. She handed me the receipt and said she bought them a few days before.I open the box to discover that her child had walked through mud then grass, as it was caked on the bottom and sides of the shoe. I turned one of the shoes around to look inside and saw some ants crawling around on the inside. Then I happened to smell what seemed to be poo and was starting to think it wasn't mud on the shoe after all. Needless to say, I didn't take the shoes back, however it took a good 5 minutes of arguing to get the point across.
People in general are ridiculous, but even more so during this time of year. In the spirit of thinking about ridiculous things, I often think how stupid phrases and terms are that we use every day in the English language.
For example, in school I got used to studying and taking tests pretty often. You can understand my frustration when I see "Blood Test" or "Pregnancy Test," etc. It's not like you can study for a blood test or fail a pregnancy test. Although you could get an "F" for female and you could fail a drug test. Let's just agree that they are all used in stressful Montel situations.
Until recent times, the bank used to be just a place to store money. Nowadays, there are blood banks and sperm banks. See what happens when you walk in a blood bank and ask for a withdrawal. Even worse, go to the sperm bank and ask to open a savings account. (Don't settle for a low interest rate.)
Well, it's time for me to shut this old folding portable computer, put away these delicious Swedish gingersnap cookies, and get myself to bed. I need enough energy to get through the rush of work on the last day before Xmas, it's going to be a nuthouse.
Take care, have a Merry Christmas, happy holidays and such. Also make sure you are in bed before Santa comes, he doesn't like cheats and liars. I hope I'm on the good list this year.
Whew! Finally I'm back after a long work week and I have been thinking this week about my lovely, little, blog. I was ecstatic to see the great response from my last entry, all of my readers from the states, UK, Canada, and all of the other European and Asian countries, I appreciate it!
Last night, I had planned to write a new entry, but was derailed by a throbbing toothache. The pain progressively worsened and had caused me to stay awake all night in agony. I am better now, thanks to antibiotics and pain medication, (Thank you science!)
I always like to write about a theme or even seem like I am not just rambling off random nonsense, so today's topic is Pain.
There are genuine types of pain that many would agree are legitimate reasons to worry about, but then there are others that either seem worse than they actually are or are worse then they actually seem. (See what I did just then?)
For instance let's start with toothaches.
This would fall under the category of worse than they seem. I have seen others complain about tooth pains and I have even seen scenarios about them on television, but I could never imagine what it really felt like, pure and utter hell.
When the pain became apparent, my tooth was letting me know, "Hey there's something wrong here with my pals Nerves and Roots." I thought, it's just a little toothache, it'll go away in a few minutes.
Then my tooth, being all dramatic, starts to freak out. "This guy Sugar came in here and roughed my pals up!" Roots was hanging there swollen and sobbing, while Nerves ran off to tell brain that bad things were going down in the tooth.
The pain became so overbearing that at a point in the middle of the night, I contemplated how I could extract my own tooth. I wanted to employ Mr. Pliers, Senor Fist, or Sir String Doorknob, but didn't want to cause more pain than I was already enduring. I was glad to come upon Aunt I. Biotics and Lady Painkiller, they allowed me some pain-free rest.
Now we take a look at Paper Cuts.
These tend to be highly dramatized, but with the worst of luck can cause some intermediate pain. First, it depends on the type of material in which you were injured with and in conjunction the thickness of said material. This can range from simple piece of mischievous paper to a thick scrap of cardboard hell bent on making you fear the corrugated community. Their cousin, plastic, also made an appearance the other day to rough me up and let their family presence known.
Paper cuts do not stop at one attack. They get you unsuspected, when you though your relationship with paper was at an all time high. They have others working for them, to keep letting you know that you should be afraid. Some of their known lackeys are salt, citric acid, and iodine.
You are probably asking yourself right now, "How will I know when these henchmen attack?"
The symptoms include a sharp pain in injured area, a reaction to grab said area with hand, and a hissing noise made by your mouth sucking in air through clenched lips. In some cases profanities may occur. And beware! You may look closer to investigate the paper cut, however these deviants attack in such a way sometimes, that you don't even know you have been injured.
This next one may sound ridiculous, but show me one person who has not experienced constipation.
Some describe this as stomach pains, cramps, digestion problems, irritable bowels, etc., the list goes on and on. I have even heard someone compare this to child birth, hopefully not seriously. I don't feel I need to go into too much detail on this one, although I can offer up some advise.
Avoid lots of le cheese consumption, watch out for lactose if you cannot tolerate it, eat some fiber, and most importantly do not push too hard and cause a blood vessel rupture. Also keep lots of air freshener in the bathroom and not anything rose scented. There's nothing like walking into a highly concentrated poo-rose scented room, it creates the perfect gag reflex reaction, for your spouse.
P.S. If you were waiting for a poo related joke or pun, I couldn't think of one. I apologize.
So far, these forms of pain have been for the most part pretty common. There is one that I have personally done a few times in my life that have been not only painful, but also idiotic.
Usually I am sitting on the couch, chair, or on the floor with my legs folded up, positioning my knees below my chin. Then I have the sudden urge to sneeze, not realizing I am poised for pain. The force of my sneeze causes my head to jerk forward right into my knees, giving me a combo of pain and embarrassment.
Not only have I sneezed and head-butted my knees, I have also sneezed and hit my head on other things as well and trust me, there is no way of gracefully playing it off.
There is also another category of pain I can place in the "uncommon" section and I hope someone else out there can identify with this next one. Have you ever pinched your hand and it resulted in a blood blister?
The first time this happened, it was seventh grade (Middle school), I was in class and we were instructed to make some charts. All I had to do was use a freaking marker okay? Somehow when putting the cap back on the marker, I pinched the skin between my fingers. After a minute or two, I noticed there was a blister filled with blood where I pinched myself. Keep in mind this was the first time I had seen this kind of thing, so I was a bit freaked out, not to mention the sight of blood makes me feel uneasy.
I've repeated this event a few more times, once with a pair of scissors, and the few other times I can't exactly remember how I managed to repeat it. Honestly, do you know what I'm talking about?
And to round out this list of pain scenarios include:
1. Eating food before it has a chance to cool below the point of liquid magma, resulting in the roof of your mouth to be scalded then you get a hanging skin flap that annoys the crap out of you.
2. Unnecessary tripping and falling. Usually happens due to lack of aware of your surroundings, inanimate objects settling the score for not putting them away properly, inappropriate footwear, inebriated state of mind, and most commonly a natural habit of clumsiness. Minus points when a guy falls in front of a girl. Double points if injury results.
3. Brain freeze. Only acceptable if it is a hot day or you are dehydrated, otherwise stop being so gluttonous! Although, if it is an icee brain freeze, i will forgive you. Blue flavor.
4. Stub toe/Jam finger. In this case you are always the victim, however you will look like an ass if you are cursing at an object that can't defend itself. If you don't care about looking like a wacko, then go ahead, throw that ficus across the room.
I had many more different forms of pain I wanted to include, but I picked the best just for you. That and I have to be up early.
As always, thanks for stopping by, reading my thoughts and experiences. I am honored that people at all find this blog interesting. Thanks to you, it doesn't stink and it's the number 2 blog.
There, you got a poo joke after all.
I changed the settings on my blog so everyone can leave comments and not have to go through the annoying process of signing in through google.
So leave comments! Tell me how ridiculous my posts are or if you think I'm awesome, go ahead and tell me that too.
P.S. Don't be afraid to follow my blog as well.
Well, I'm off to work. Have a good day and read my last post if you haven't already, it's embarrassing.
Hello everyone. I've given myself a few extra days to post something of quality, but I'll leave that to you to decide. Real quick before I get started on today's rant, I 'd like to welcome my international readers who stopped by this week, Spain and the UK, you are awesome.
I've been trying to think all week of some funny theme to write about, but the harder I tried, the harder it was to concentrate. I didn't want to post anything sentimental as I am not one of those guys who shows his feelings much, I compare myself to Hank Hill much in that way. That's sad, but slightly funny, but slightly pathetic.
Then I thought, can I be motivational or informative? No. Not in any effective way, or in any way that would help people. I can however spew out random bits of knowledge; I'm an American fortune cookie. (Note: Fortune cookies actually originated in America, not Asia.) See there I go again.
Things started looking up when I noticed a common theme throughout the week. As every day passed, I took note on embarrassing things that happened to me in particular. As I reflected on these, I remembered other embarrassing events I witnessed in my life.
The first thing that started off the week was when I attempted to do a simple thing like drinking gatorade. I was at work talking to a coworker when I stopped to take a drink. I tipped the gatorade to my mouth and started to drink. Everything was fine until I tipped a bit too high and spilled gatorade all over my face. Not only did I feel stupid standing there with purple sports drink dripping from my face, but I had accomplished this with someone standing a few feet away from me. I laughed it off, but in my head I was yelling, "Stupid, stupid, stupid!"
The next day didn't turn out any better. I had just awoke from a good night's sleep and it was time for me to get dressed for work. The next step was to put on pants. Let me just say, I've been putting on my own pants successfully for 20 years, but as I was about to find out, I have the ability and will power to curse at a pair of slacks.
I stood up and proceeded to put my left leg into the left pant leg, check. Then my brain sent a signal for right leg to go into right pant leg. My brain and right leg must have had an argument that night because instead of right leg in right pant leg, it went into left pant leg with left leg! Left leg was pissed that right leg was smothering it so they both decided not to cooperate and down I went.
That event was far more uncommon than backwards shirt, which only results in neck choking and armpit pinching. I've done that far too many times and I know you are thinking, "Why doesn't he just check the tag?" Well I would tell you that as a guy, I try to put things together without reading the instructions first, to prove my manliness. Then if everything turns out horribly wrong, I pull out the instructions, super glue, and duck tape.
Yesterday's mishap was not so bad. I was stocking a shelf at work, nobody had walked by for a while. I hear some woman's loud heels approaching and as I looked up as she passed by, I had knocked over half of my items on my cart onto the shelves in front of me, knocking everything over onto the floor. I thought, "Why did I have to be spastic at that exact moment? There is nothing wrong with me, I swear!"
Today, was a real dumb ass moment for me. I was at work (Hmm..... all of these things seem to be work induced.....) and I had been putting away some juice in our refrigerated coolers with the help of my coworker. We decorated our store for the holidays and had placed some large bells above our coolers. I bent over to put the rest of the juice away and stood straight up into the bell. Not only did it jingle when my head hit it, but the top of my head went into the bell.
A customer walked by to get some water and gave me a wtf look. My coworker on the other hand laughed, commented on how I managed to do that for the second time, then lastly asked if I was alright. It looks like in certain situations, comedy outweighs concern for others well being.
All of this happened in just the span of one week, however I can remember many other times I had been embarrassed in the past.
The earliest I can remember is when I peed my pants in kindergarten. We were in the middle of class and I remember clearly it was a gloomy rainy day. Our desks were pushed together in clusters of five and everyone in our group was in class that day. After a little time had passes after my "accident" another classmate had noticed the smell of pee. Immediately I was terrified that they had discovered my horribly embarrassing accident, but instead of calling me out, they blamed it on the poor quiet girl at the end of our desk cluster. I felt both extremely relieved, ashamed, and incredibly guilty for letting this girl take the blame for me. As I write this all of the guilt has come flooding back. Hopefully the girl got some good karma points for that day.
Speaking of embarrassing school moments, over the span of all my years of recess in elementary school (or primary school), I managed to get hit with every shape and form of ball at recess time, in the head. I don't know if that can explain some things or not. I mean I do like some sports, but only on tv. I might have some turrible flashbacks if I were to go to some live sporting events.
I also remember one Halloween, I had to have been 6 or 7, my mom had dressed me up as Dracula. She didn't have any hair products to slick my hair back at the time, but managed to improvise in a bad life scarring way. She used Crisco. Every time I walked up to a door with some random kids to say trick or treat, someone else would make a comment on how they smelled popcorn. I was Orville Redenbacher's Dracula.
Honestly, I could go on and on about all of the embarrassing things that have happened, to me, but I have neither the time nor the energy to type everything in one sitting.
Do you want to know the most embarrassing thing about this blog post?
I spelled embarrass wrong 8 times.
Thanks for stopping by and be safe out there in the inter-webs.
I'll tell you something about myself, as I have told many people I have met over the years, is the fact that I can't control the obscurity of my thoughts and the frequency of them happening.
Most often these thoughts are at complete random like, "Why did the sky have to be blue? Would things be different if it was red? Would we be hungrier if it were? If mushrooms were red, like in Mario Brothers, would I be less apprehensive in eating them, still knowing they grew out of poo?"
Just a side note - I learned that the color red stimulates hunger, think about that the next time you visit restaurants or are browsing through food products at the grocery store and see the vast usage of red in branding labels.
Anyhow, I was thinking about the holidays and how differently they could be celebrated if we changed minor details about them. For example:
On thanksgiving, what if we all chose to cook and stuff emus instead of turkeys? We would definitely have a need for bigger ovens and who knows what kind of eating that would encourage. Also, Stove Top would sell a hell of a lot more stuffing.
How about Christmas? I would imaging it to be a feat to chop down a palm tree and trying to fit it in the house or worse, an apartment. Or being a desert native, decorating a saguaro cactus would be interesting. Although, I've seen some people accomplish some strands of lights on outside cactus, I wouldn't want to stumble through the living room at night, trip on a dog toy, and fall on the Christmas cactus. The kids would be upset, but the wife would be even more thrilled about pulling thorns out of daddy's bum.
There would be one advantage of trading in the Christmas stockings for mittens, less room for candy, less cases of juvenile diabetes. I should talk though, seeing as I just put together a peanut butter and marshmallow fluff sandwich.
In summary, this is just a tiny sneak peek into the randomness of my thoughts. I remember often my favorite teacher encouraging my thinking by telling me to think like his favorite philosopher, Thomas Jefferson. He said that I should always ask, "Why?," and to always think about all the possibilities. This is how we change for the better by inventing, discovering, and innovating.
Thanks again if you made it this far into my post and take care of yourselves!
I came home after a long and wearing day of work to find a few more unique visitors have stumbled upon my blog.
A few more friends from Malaysia and some new visitors from India and Turkey have stopped by. I'd like to say, "Welcome!" And if you happened upon my page accidentally trying to get real examples of euphemisms of life, well, read my blog anyway.
First off, I would like to say I love this time of year. The cold weather, putting up the tree and decorations, hanging up lights, gathering together and eating home-cooked food, holiday music and movies, all of these things I enjoy.
However, there also some cons of the holidays. I work as a manager in retail and if you have ever worked retail around this time of year you know people lose their damn minds before they walk through the door.
I read that a friend of a friend of mine grabbed the last flat screen television before a small Asian woman and made her cry. I also read about people camping out at stores all night for "things" that aren't really that good of deals anyway. People even get trampled trying to get that "Tickle Me Elmo" that their kids are either going to break in the first five minutes or end up in the bottom of the toy box by the end of the week. And no, you can not blame it on Elmo, I tried.
Which reminds me, a few years ago, I was working for a big box retail store during this time of year, fixing holiday decorations out in the garden center. I had just finished straightening up the glass ornaments when I had reached the stockings. I hung a few up and noticed one lying on the ground a few feet away. I picked up the stocking and noticed that it seemed a bit heavier than the others. I thought to myself, "Maybe someone put something in it." I put the stocking up to my face and looked inside, which proved to be a mistake.
To my horror, someone had defecated (poo-pooed) in the stocking. I felt so many emotions at once, shock was the outcome of all of them combined.
First I was angry that whomever did this could have not only used the restroom in the store, but also the fact that they ruined merchandise. I was also angry that I was practically "punked" even though I still don't know if that was the intention or if they really had to go and that was the best idea in that time of crisis.
(Could you imagine seeing someone with their pants around their ankles, squatting over a stocking they are holding?)
I decided at this point I wouldn't be the only victim of this holiday horror. I took the stocking to the front of the store where my friend was working at the time. I told him that he was bad this year and handed him the stocking. He brought the stocking to his face, just as I did not even ten minutes earlier. His reaction was priceless. I laughed until my gut hurt and to this day, as I am now, telling this warm and smelly holiday story.
This whole disaster could have been Santa retaliating against me for not believing in him anymore and his definition of "lump of coal" was used very loosely.
All in all I am very happy for my son, especially because I get to see him excited for the holidays and I get to share the traditions I had growing up. I also have an excuse to play with toys as a grown man too, bonus!
Well, this concludes a holiday tale from yours truly. I wish everyone a happy holiday, no matter what form it may be that you happen to celebrate it. Be safe and remember that without the people in your life, there is no one to enjoy the "things" with.
Congratulations and thanks are in order.
Today I received my first viewer from across the ocean, thank you visitor from Malaysia! It was a good excuse to see where Malaysia was and learn a little about it, very interesting.
Speaking of geography, a few weeks ago for fun I decided to see, just for kicks, if I was stuck in Japan and needed to get back home to the states, how I would do that. For this I turned to Google maps.
From destination, I put Japan. To destination, I put USA. Then enter.
After many steps navigating through Japan, I only assume this because I can't read Japanese symbols, I came to step number 27:
27. Kayak across the Pacific Ocean for 2,756 miles
Okay, so as you may have already noticed, I tend to over-analyze everything, but several things came to mind.
1. Has anyone ever taken these directions seriously?
2. How do they know it takes 35 days to kayak across the Pacific? Is there some guy at Google who gets paid to do these things?
3. Why not jet ski, swim, or sail across? Is it less conspicuous to enter the states in a kayak?
4. How do you go to the bathroom when you're stuck in a kayak for that long? Wouldn't you fall over if you tried to "go" over the side?
Apparently when you arrive in Hawaii, you are supposed to go through the island and continue kayaking to the mainland. Just make sure your kayak is dry and your transportation can accommodate your kayak.
All kidding aside, I'd like to thank my friend Shane for pointing this out, good stuff.
Google also sports the "Google Street View" function. I'm sure you all have heard the controversy surrounding it. Basically for those who are not familiar with Google Maps, they took street view pictures, some of them taking people off guard.
If you search the internet you are sure to find some of these images, but be warned some are inappropriate. One that comes to mind is a guy peeing in public by an overpass. Gross and funny in my opinion.
I think Google Street View is a lot of things. It is an amazing piece of technology and helpful in navigating people to places that are otherwise difficult to get to.
On the other hand it creeps me out. What if I'm walking down the street and I itch my nose, but it looks like I'm picking my nose?
Pretty soon Google will be able to see inside your homes and you can see yourself on the computer or sitting on the toilet. This is one case I do not wish that technology would advance.
Just be warned, if you see this car coming down your street, hide!
That's it for now. Again, thank you for visiting and please follow my blog by clicking the follow button on the right side of the page!
One of my fond memories of childhood was going to my grandma's house to play games, watch movies, and get away from our house which was pretty boring most of the time.
On movie nights we would go down to the video store and rent, dare I say, a few VHS tapes.
*For those of you not familiar with a "VHS tape", it was a large square black rectangular plastic box with a roll of "film" inside on which the "frames" were printed upon. These "VHS tapes" were inserted in a device called a "VCR" which....... ah forget it.
Anyhow, after picking out the tapes (we usually got something kid friendly like Three Stooges or The Little Rascals) we would go back to my grandma's to watch them.
The best part of movie nights were the popcorn and specifically the way my grandma would make it. She had this little popcorn maker that had a dish on the top to melt butter at the same time. I still believe that popcorn maker had a little popcorn faerie in it or a compartment for magic or something. I wasn't fond of popcorn in general, but I was a fan of this popcorn.
Back then, which doesn't seem so long ago but in retrospect is about 15 years ago, things were simpler, which brings me to the present.
I was at the grocery store with my wife and son and I was supposed to be paying attention to the grocery list. However, I always become easily distracted by new food products.
I walked down the cookie/cracker/juice aisle and saw this seemingly innocent package:
A few things came to mind as I absorbed the image of this packaging.
1. Hmm......does it taste like real bacon?
2. Is it made with real bacon? (Does say natural flavors)
3. Why is this so expensive?
Then things got more serious, as I seemed to be sucked into the hypnotizing rays of brown and..... light brown of the package. I started to think things like:
1. Why is the bacon cartoony? Are they targeting kids?
2. Is the bacon in the hug position to get you to feel comfortable with your impending heart pains?
3. Wouldn't the bacon be sad that he is going to be consumed?
4. Is this the future of America?!
I calmed myself down and was about to walk away, when I saw this:
Bacon is now friends with Cheddar. Or they got married. I mean, it's still bacon pop, but with cheddar, so they would be Mr. and Mrs. Cheddar Bacon Pop?
I had to walk away before this got out of control. Could you imagine if another flavor was added to the mix? How would I explain that to the children?
Bottom line, I ask of you, readers of my blog to please refrain from buying flavored popcorn. It's unnatural and we will keep bacon and cheddar where they belong, out of my popcorn and on my hamburger.
If you have to feed the dog, take out the trash, or burp the baby, you should probably do that first. Go ahead, I'll wait.
We good? Okay.
First off, let me give a shout out to my one viewer all the way from Canada, we made it eh?
Also big thanks to my friends who have read my blog and encourage me to share my weirdness with the world. I'll make sure to celebrate when I get my first reader from across either ocean, I'm not picky.
Alright down to business.
I realized today that tv has me programmed. As I left for work today, I put on my sunglasses and in my head I hear, "Yeeeeeeaahhhhhhhh!" Now I'm afraid that when I close my eyes and start to drift to sleep, I'll see David Caruso speeding down the everglades in a speedboat, glaring at me.
Sleeping in general is a daily challenge for everyone in my apartment. Above us we have "Agro Stompy Guy" who (according to his bumper stickers) loves the NRA and has a crush on Jan Brewer. His daily activities include: being angry, stomping, rolling, body slamming, pacing, and driving an environmentally friendly car. I imagine this guy has no furniture and speaks like a caveman. When he is ready for sleep he goes, "Me sleep," and just falls flat on the floor. Good for him though, being a friend to mother earth..... although I've heard it's so easy even he could do it.
On the bottom floor across from us we have the ninjas. They always conduct their business between the hours of midnight and 4 am, obviously so they are undetected. I hear their squeaky door (must be ninjas in training who cannot afford WD-40) in the early hours of the morning. This followed by their associate who does soft car horn beeps until a ninja comes out and disappears into the night. One time they left for a few days with their door wide open. I assumed they were either at ninja training camp or they had been defeated by another ninja clan. I might have seen them before, but who knows what a ninja looks like in the daytime?
Which brings me to the upstairs diagonal neighbors. I believe they are slipping bribes to the office so they can get 2 extra parking spots, just in case Robin Leach stops by to film "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous: Apartment Complex Edition." They must have also hired an interior decorator whose expertise is medieval authenticity. All day you hear crying, screaming, and yelling from their torture chamber. This brings me back around to the tv, because if it is not on, I can hear their loud bickering and let me tell you, I need a bleep button for all the profanities. Here's an example of a good day:
Man: Babe, I f****** love you.
Woman: Shut the f*** you a**hole. You know I love you too.
Last but surely not least we come to the Crotch Rocket Gang. They live a few buildings down, however their parking space is close enough to hear them revving every night around 1 am, it never fails. What is the point? I am surely not impressed, I mean come on get real motorcycles to show off. So there are three of them and they all come out and start revving at the same time, sometimes for a few minutes all the way up to about 10 minutes. This is the scenario I believe happens:
Guy 1: Bro, I'm bored. What should we do.
Guy 2: Dude, we should go fire up the bikes!
Guy 3: Yeah man, sick!
They all go outside to their bikes.
Guy 2: Check this out! (Revs bike)
Guy 1: That's nothing bro, listen to this! (Revs longer)
Guy 3: Yo, let's do it all at the same time! (Joins in)
This goes on for another five minutes, then they go back inside. What is the point of that other than pissing off all of your neighbors? What do they talk about when they go back inside?
Guy 3: Damn, that was sick stuff dude!
Guy 2: Man, my bike is the sickest. Mines was like brum brum brum bruuum!
Guy 1: What are you talking 'bout bro?! My bike is way sicker than yours! Blu bluh bluh braaaaaaam!
Can you tell I want to chain all three bikes together with 100 chains and padlocks?
A little bit of wisdom for you travelers of the internet:
You don't have to love thy neighbor, but you should at least respect them. Let's just hope mine don't read my blog, or steal my wireless signal.
When it rains it pours. Life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Make the best with what you got.
I'm pretty sure you get the idea here, but first let me ask you:
Are you a member of the human race? Have you ever had a bad day, week, month? Well take a look at one of the "interesting" things that have happened to me recently:
1. Hair cutting accident
I have been cutting my own hair for about 5 years now. I have also never had any problems and have been satisfied with the results. Going back to two weeks ago, I decided it was time to cut my hair. I took out the hair trimmer and affixed the number 3 attachment to the blade and trimmed away.
After I was done, I noticed I missed a few hairs. I picked up the trimmer and unbeknown to me, the attachment was not on the blade. I run it straight over the top of my head and shaved a bald spot. Cue my wife to walk in at that very moment. I was simultaneously horrified and embarrassed, she was laughing hysterically. After several minutes of saying,"Oh shi*," I decided I had no choice but to shave the rest of my hair. At this point I wasn't completely bald, however my hair couldn't have been longer than a 1/4 inch.
I knew it was my fault for not paying attention to the shaver, but I never had a problem with it before and with all things including people, they have problems further in age. I was convinced my shaver was out to get me. Was it because I had not oiled the blade in a while?
I stared in the mirror for minutes, just trying to convince myself that it didn't look that bad, but I couldn't get used to it. My wife chimes in that I should wear a long white shirt, baggy shorts and pulled up white socks, like I could pull off being a cholo, ha! I laughed, I mean it was pretty funny, the situation I mean.
Then I thought, "What are my coworkers going to think?" I started coming up with responses to questions raised about my hair, or lack of.
1. I have joined the army.
2. I donated my hair.
3. I am dying. (Definitely wouldn't use that one)
4. Lost a bet
5. The truth
Of course I chose the easiest of those, the truth. I figured it was embarrassing, but also a funny story. It takes more effort to lie and it just plain feels bad, so there you go.
Travelers of the internet, I leave you with this. If you cut your own hair, watch your utensils. They might be having a bad day.
Ian
I planned on acting like the responsible adult that I am by going to bed at a reasonable time. I just have to say that I am kind of a night owl and have a hard time going to sleep, especially before midnight.
As I climbed into bed and pulled the covers over, I congratulated myself in my head for achieving this feat. After a few adjustments of my pillow I closed my eyes and completely relaxed. Not even a few minutes later I heard a weird hissing noise, kind of like the sound of rubbing two pieces of styrofoam together right by my ear. I jumped up and looked under the bed to see if the dog might have stood up and sniffed by me, but she was asleep on the living room couch.
Deciding to chalk it up to something being blown around by the fan, I tried to sleep once more. About five minutes later I felt a tug on my leg. I looked around again and nobody was in the room with me. I said screw this and hightailed it out of there.
I am not ashamed to say that I am a grown man that was startled by noises. I'm also unsure about whether ghosts exist, especially after watching several ghost investigating shows. After what I said today at work however, I am convinced I am being taught a lesson for making a joke.
My ghost is Ray Charles. No, hear me out.
I came across a pair of sunglasses still in the box. I held them up in front of my face and said, "These must be the Ray Charles brand sunglasses, because I can't see a damn thing!"
I got a laugh and a head shake of disapproval, but at what cost?
Let's just say now I have learned my lesson not to make jokes about the departed or they might come visit you and shake you up a bit.
I am glad to have been able to warn whomever comes across this, take heed and watch what you say, or you might get a visit from a ghost named Ray! Ok that was........yeah, goodnight.
Ian
Hello, hola, bonjour, konnichi wa!
Welcome to what is the "birth" of my blog, Euphemisms of Life. Let me just say that I am not a professional writer, blogger, or funny man. This place is for my random assortment of words that may or may not form into something funny, insightful, or just plain weird.
Just a little background on my self, I am a native of Phoenix, Arizona and have been a resident most of my life. I am a father to the most wonderful four year old and a husband to the prettiest girl I have ever laid eyes upon. At this point in my life I am grateful for the happiness that the people in my life bring me.
You will come to find out that despite being a 24 year old man, I enjoy the simple things in life. I also enjoy dreaming about someday striking it rich from the lottery or some Great Aunt Petunia leaving me her mansion up in the Hamptons, but I can live with what I have.
Someday I hope to retire somewhere nice, away from the smog and traffic noise. Somewhere with big lakes, lots of trees, and fresh cool air. I would sit on the porch and finish the book I started writing a few years ago (that's a whole long story I won't go into now).
Anyhow, thank you traveler of the internet for resting upon my page and gracing it with your presence. I will update my blog as often as I can and again thank you for visiting.
Sincerely,
Ian
