"Till death do us part" they say, but in today's reality it's "till you pay all lawyer fees". That explains when a guy gets divorced and says, "I'm half the man I used to be", it's because the other half went to his wife in the settlement.
Don't get me wrong, I love being married. I maybe even enjoy it too much. Keep reading to hear my secret on why.
It's more than a friendship. Even more than a partnership. I realized quick that more than anything, it is a game of strategy.
Marriage puts me in situations where I feel like a political candidate. One petty little argument easily turns into a full debate; us behind our own podiums facing each other. We take turns, trying to make the next statement more powerful and undeniable. It only ends when someone says something that doesn't make sense out of frustration, something they didn't mean out of anger, or that one thing from the past that gets brought up even though it may be completely unrelated (the red button, dont press the red button!)
I usually lose, so in our house my wife has served two consecutive terms in office. Here's to Me in 2016 !
Despite the rare occasion when there is an argument, I found out the following fast:
When I'm right, I'm wrong.
When I'm wrong, I'm wrong.
And lastly, I'm wrong.
Guys, the key is to learn this as quick as possible, just accept fate, right ladies? Also that two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
So here's the fun part of marriage for me: annoying my wife.
I'd like to say it's unintentional but as I write this I realize that I do it mostly for my amusement. Perhaps subconsciously? Here are some examples:
Wear one of my old shirts. Find hole in shirt. Yell and rip apart shirt like Hulk Hogan. Wife looks at me like I'm insane.
Wife goes into bathroom and shuts door. I wait quietly by door. Wife opens door, I scream. (Works also if screaming while wife still in bathroom) Wife mad.
Wife calls me on cell phone. I answer by screaming "oh my god!" Wife freaks out, then tells me off.
When wife leaves room, hide in random places. Scream when finds me. Wife annoyed.
Leave shoes in middle of bedroom. Wife trips on them, in the dark. Wife bruised and angry.
Wait for wife to turn around at grocery store, run to other part of store without her noticing. Wife embarrassed.
Wifetrying to have conversation, asks me what she just said. Answer with wrong/random/vague word. Wife insulted.
Luckily, my wife has a great sense of humor and can put up with my stupid jokes and immature behavior. That's how you know when you found the right one.
Thanks for reading folks. Don't be afraid to leave a comment beloooooooooow!
Have you ever run into someone you haven't seen in a long time and forgot why you lost touch? If so, did you also forget their name? I bet there was a lot of awkward silence. Just hope you didn't do something in the past that was ridiculous.
Well that's how I feel right now, except that I know that it was my fault I haven't seen you in a while. (Insert the classic "It's not you, it's me" line.) However, overlooking the fact that I haven't posted in quite some time, I'd like to tell you that I have had quite a hoard of ideas accumulate. Which brings us to the topic of today's post: Social Media.
Over the last year, I'm sure you've all noticed the increasing popularity of media sites such as Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, etc. Let me just say that each of these have very poignant highs and lows. Lemme break it down.
Facebook pros:
Find old friends from school and hope they are not as successful as you.
Reconnect with family members (as long as your location is turned off)
Make your ex(es) jealous
Keep up with friends' lives without having to call them and talk about their kids or "have coffee"
Facebook Cons:
Stalkers know exactly when you go to the gym and that you "like" twilight
Coworkers know when you are faking sick
Friends know you lied about your sick grandma after you cancelled your plans and "checked in" at the movie theater
Twitter Pros:
Spreads news-breaking headlines lightning fast
Connect with people long distance
Occasional reply from people you admire
Twitter Cons:
99 percent of it consists of celebrities pretending to know each other and posting random thoughts of no quality
A whole lotta spam bots
Feed often gets jammed up by one person who decides to twitpic every item in sight within 5 minutes
Pinterest Pros:
Good place to go to slay boredom
Share funny pictures and recipes
Find out what your friends like or how secretly weird they are
Pinterest Cons:
Bad place to go if you have to get up early for work or if you are at work or have a life
Start browsing at breakfast and stop right before dinner
These were just a few of the examples of how much social media affects our lives in this age of ever evolving technology. The geek are truly inheriting the earth and we are the ones stuffing their pockets with money. Deserving of success and accolades? Yes. But to this degree, not sure. But if I were on the other side of the fence, would I say the same, I would like to know.
Inspired by the ever increasing popularity of internet memes thanks to our social media buddies, I will let Mr. Cruise take it from here with some one-liners.
Again, thanks for coming back. I better get out of here before some small man of science starts to jump on my couch.
See you next week you beautiful awesome people you.
So I received a cool new Bamboo drawing tablet for fathers day from my wife and son and decided to give it a try. After a couple hours of learning how to use the stylus pen and software, I came up with a fun idea on what to draw.
Muse are releasing their sixth new studio album on September 17, 2012 entitled "The 2nd Law." I had made a cover for their last album "The Resistance" also and had fun making it so I said, "Why the hell not?"
First, I had to come up with a concept and saw in their teaser video http://youtu.be/IqFZGnfMLMw that they were referring to The 2nd Law of thermodynamics. I found this model that represents the dynamics of the 2nd law:
I decided to base my artwork on two aspects. The first being the way the model shows heat transfer, flow, and work based on the 2nd law using energy systems(machines) by the body of heat, earth, and a black hole. Second, I put the objects in the same formation as the model above to show the flow representation.
So there we have it folks. If you use my pictures, feel free, but please make sure you cite me, Ian Cole, as the owner of the images, thanks!
You are probably here because you saw an incredibly ridiculous, yet hilarious picture assembled by yours truly linked from Google Images.
Doesn't that make it seem like you are the innocent kid walking down the street, Google Images is the creepy guy driving by slowly in the van tempting you with the deliciously sweet goodness that are my pictures? I think so.
Or maybe you saw my page on StumbleUpon and thought to yourself, " Did I really reach the end of the internet?"
There's also the chance that you came across my Euphemisms of Life facebook page. Yes it has it's own page, because it said it's cooler than I will ever be and if I disagree, than I would be wrong because you can't argue facts. Kind of harsh.
But you made it here, so who cares how you arrived, I'm just glad to have you. It is true, I have been idle for almost 2 months, but it has been quite an eventful 2 months.
I finally got a new car which really makes me able to finally breathe easy, such a stupid thing to have to worry about but it affects everything. I have been very fortunate to be able to get one and a new one at that, I am already in love with the car.
I actually had a dream a few months ago about having a brand new black car and now that I have one, I'm having a sort of a weird deja vu moment, if you believe in that sort of thing. I just need to get a new ipod cord that is hard to find and cant be ordered. I will find it, or you can buy it for my birthday which is in exactly 19 days. I will accept gifts, no personal checks.
Next week I plan to buy a new wireless mouse for my laptop to create some new original Euphemisms of Life artistic pieces, instead of borrowing stock images and drawing on them. Let's just say using the touch pad to draw is like trying to ride a bike with square wheels.
And if you were wondering what happened to my last mouse, well it mysteriously died. Black plague virus or maybe some bad cheese who knows.
The bottom line, I'm just letting you know I'm still alive and well, in case you actually know who I am, or know of me, or know someone with my name, or just because.
P.S. Don't be afraid to leave a comment or two, I always make sure to comment back. Peace!
It's good to see you again! Wait, have you been sleeping well? You look kind of tired, with the bags under your eyes and all. Oh look there you go, I saw a yawn. No it's okay, just relax, I'll do all the talking. Go ahead and rest your eyes a bit.
Just kidding, wake the hell up and tell me if you have seen this man in your dreams:
According to thisman.org, thousands of people have seen this guy in their dreams. Creepy eh? I don't ever recall him popping up in mine, but I would be interested to hear if you have personally.
To backtrack a bit, I decided to write about dreams because I was annoyed by the fact that I couldn't fight my brain to stay awake the other day.
Don't you hate when you've had a long day/week and you come home exhausted and decide to relax for a few minutes on the couch, but start to fall asleep? However the worst part is when you surrender to the exhaustion and lay down in bed, only to be wide awake and still exhausted.
I bet you finally get desperate and try some stupid sleep remedies to help you along.
Those are supposed to be sheep by the way.
So after trying all of those methods, you start to drift off to sleep. You close your eyes and see:
Wtf are those? The only way I could describe them is glowing donuts, well because I love donuts and hate scaring myself. I need to invent real glowing donuts, that would be deliciously cool.
How about the times you are fighting sleep? I lay there in bed, pitting my brain against my eyes, keeping my eyelids open by sheer will and ignorance. Little did I know that they were both working against me. I stare up at the ceiling, watching the ceiling fan spin around and around, and all of a sudden, it's gradually getting darker. As soon as I realize this, I startle myself and my surroundings go back to their normal level of brightness. Then after a few minutes it starts happening again, but this time you are too tired to care or even realize that it's getting darker because your eyelids are closing ever so slowly. Then you wake up the next morning, not able to remember when you lost the battle the night before.
Speaking of remembering, did you know that five minutes after the end of the dream, half the content is forgotten and after ten minutes, 90% is lost? Well for some reason this doesn't apply to me. Somehow I am able to remember most of my dreams pretty well and here are just a few:
Back to Baby
I dreamt about a baby's room down to every detail and color. I remember telling this to my mom when I was 5 and she said I had described my room when I was 1 year old. I even saw an old picture and saw that it was very close to the dream, even weirder was that in my dream it was from my perspective of lying in the crib. Was it really a dream or a memory?
Recurring nightmares
Always had them as a kid. Usually being dropped off in unknown locations and being left behind, being hit by cars/run over, falling down from high altitudes. I can guess that all of the car related ones might have something to do with me falling out of a moving car when I was 4 years old. As my mom tells it, some guy hurried up and got me out of the road before I got hit by oncoming traffic.
Then I've had just a bunch of random ones, like flying over trees and lakes, playing pro basketball, playing guitar for a large stadium crowd with a popular band, finding a large sum of money, but after recounting, it is somehow a lot less money, and so on etc.
But really for me there are only three types of dreams - Great ones that I wake up at the best part, mediocre ones that either make no sense or nothing significant is going on, and the ones that are uncomfortable, sickening, or horrifying.
Then there's sleepwalking.
Like the time I walked all the way downstairs and peed on the kitchen wall and woke up back in bed. How is that possible? Read some other sleepwalking stories and among them, this is actually common! I especially like the one where the kid peed in the refrigerator, hilarious.
Other people's sleep walking stories include eating sticks of butter, sitting in a dark corner trying to "fix" a broken alarm clock, feeling the wall for "secret" bathroom, standing on a dresser to get away from the baby t-rexes, getting ready for a trip and end up sleeping under the bed naked, holding a briefcase.
Lastly, I thought I would leave you with some random dream facts:
We spend about a third of our life sleeping or about 6 years.
Everyone dreams, even blind people. They can even dream in color.
Men tend to dream more about other men, while women dream equally about men and women.
If you are snoring, then you cannot be dreaming.
According to a research study, the most common setting for dreams is your own house.
The original meaning of the word "nightmare" was a female spirit who besets people at night while they sleep.
Thanks again for coming back to read my words of misguided wisdom. At least with you here I won't have to plug in my Justin Bieber night light.
Although when you RSVP'd, I didn't realize your +2 would be your cats.
Before I get started, I would like to thank my friends, family, and readers for coming back for more ridiculous.
It's like that time mama said, "Boy, you touch that stove, you gonna get burned." It's kind of like my blog being the stove and you not learning your lesson, but if that means your coming back, well I'm doing something right. There must be a pot of awesome cooking on that stove.
Anyhow, the theme of this installment is all about parties. When I think of parties I think, food, people, and entertainment. However, there has to be a reason for the gathering and this is where the logical department of my brain goes on vacation and where the room full of monkeys on typewriters take over.
In my routine of human observation, I have come to a conclusion that these days people are coming up with any excuse to have a party. Here are a few that I think are stupid and as a bonus I'll add a few I made up.
Botox Party - Thanks to Professor Snipe who purified toxin in 1928, middle age women can come together and get their faces jabbed with needles. I'd hate to be the one hosting, especially after they tried to eat after their faces were paralyzed, there would be food crumbs and drool all over the floor.
By the way, if you read his name as Professor Snape at first, you need to get the Potter patch.
Enema Party - I can't say for certain that this has ever happened, but could you imagine? Would you even want to? There would have to be a pretty creative flier to get people to attend. It would say something like, "You're invited to the number 2 party of the year! B.Y.O.E. Friends, family, neighbors, everyone is welcome! There will be back door prizes! Feeling down in the dumps? Stop by and let loose!"
Sick, I know, but who can resist a good poo joke?
Good Fortune Party - I'm not talking about winning the lottery or finding a bag full of cash. It's when your bank account is exactly $7.77. I figure if 7 is a lucky number and you have less than 8 dollars, well it might be a good idea to cheer yourself up before you're flat broke. Considering your funds however, you might only be able to afford to serve kool aid and saltines.
Now moving on, we come to forms of entertainment that never quite caught on or just went horribly wrong.
So you have a birthday party for a bunch of 5 year old kids. You hire a clown right? Well what happens when you have a party for a bunch of clowns? Who are you suppose to hire? It might feel something like this:
Then I thought about opening my own specialty pinata business and making them for the following:
Divorce - Head of the ex-husband or ex-wife. Half of the candy goes to each spouse.
Completed Rehab - Might not want to fill the pinata with bottle caps and pixie sticks.
Hemorrhoids Gone - A giant ass filled with tubes of Preparation H.
Husband Forgot to Clean Litter Box - Wife filled it with the contents of the litter box.
Next I came up with a theory about receiving gifts. Start taking a closer look at the gifts you are getting and they will reveal how people really think of you. You may find out you had more problems than you thought. For example if you receive:
A fine wine - You're an alcoholic.
Food gift card - You're a fat ass.
Cash - You're poor.
Check - You're stupid. They're poor, it's going to bounce, and they already know this.
Clothes - You dress like Pee Pants, the inebriated hobo clown.
Well whatever form it may take, I hope the next party you throw will have an invite with my name on it. Except for the enema party, I'll pass on that one.
Just know that all of you are always welcome to my blog anytime, because every post is like a party in itself.
Good reader. Oh I spoke too soon, I told you not to pee on my new rug!
That's okay, you're just a puppy.
But seriously folks, this edition of random is all about "Canis lupus familiaris" aka dog. We humans decided to domesticate the gray wolf about 15,000 years ago to fill the void in our lives we so desperately needed.
They keep us company, protect us, eat our crumbs off the floor, pull our sleds, assist our disabled, and much more. I would like them to learn to do the following:
Ironing - I would first have to create an iron a dog could hold with a paw.
Personal Driver - He could just bark out the window if someone cuts him off.
Body Double - Let me know if this is possible.
Make sandwiches - No mustard or hair, or I take it back.
Martial Arts - Dog kung fu would be awesome and cute.
Speak English - He could tell the cat to fuck off.
I thought to myself, as I do often, that if reincarnation is possible, I would want to come back as a pampered dog. I wouldn't have to worry about working, paying bills, laundry, etc. I could just eat, sleep, lick myself, go to the bathroom, and play with my squeaky toy.
Then I realized this could go wrong. I could come back as one of those tiny male lapdogs that get girly names and are made to wear tiny dresses and outfits. No wonder they are always shaking. The cat would sit in his corner mocking me and I'd have to tell him to fuck off.
Next I wondered what breed I might be and realized the ridiculous possibilities of cross breeds out there such as:
Bull dog + shih tzu = bull shit, dog shit
Poodle + shih tzu = poo shit, shit poo
Bichon + boxer = bitch box - sounds like a gaming system for that one special time of the month. Games are too violent and bloody for me.
Border terrier + Sheltie Crosser = Border Crosser - Not sure where they're from. Now putting myself in the mindset of a dogs, I tried to understand why dogs do bad things and what they are thinking at the time. My friend Stains here is politely begging for a sweet treat, but do they have to torture him with a plate full of cupcakes?
Then there is Toby, who has a butt itch he can't quite scratch. What does he do? This:
Which brings me to my next thing dogs do that I'll never quite understand, eating cat poo. Is it because it smells fishy? Did the cat talk up a lot of false bullshit about them hiding "treats" in their litter box? I could only imagine the texture of it being like warm cheesecake filling rolled in grape nuts, except it's rocks and poop stuck in your teeth.
These are only a few examples: Dogs tearing up pillows and stuffed animals to pulling all of the trash out of the trash can. Ripping apart a full roll of paper towel is also a dogs favorite way to get back at us as soon as we leave the house. The worst has to be a steaming pile of number 2 and even worse if it's runny and you step in it.
But even if you haven't discovered what it is your dog has done yet, there are some signs to tell how bad they have been. To do this, all you have to say is, " _______ what did you do?!
Level of Naughty:
Low - Dog will avoid looking directly at you and lay somewhere else.
Moderate - Dog will squint eyes and roll on their back in submission.
High - Dog will squint eyes, show a toothy smile, and beg for forgiveness.
Severe - Dog will run and hide in another room in their typical hiding place. They think they are clever, but we caught on a long time ago. I didn't say dogs were very good at hide and seek.
Now my mind has taken a ridiculous stop in the "what if" department. Well, what if dogs could walk on two legs and had nice office jobs? Could you imagine dogs dressed in business suits strolling through an office building filled with desks and cubicles? I also imagine they would say hi to each other, then stop to sniff each others butts, then continue to their desk with cup of coffee in their paw.I'm sure the person in charge of HR would be a cat, they are always witches.
This is probably a good stopping point. If I continued on from here, I'm pretty sure this post would skew into nothing more than psycho babble and we don't need any more of that.
However, we could always use a little more tiger blood and.........
