My Kitchen Hates Me

Usually the kitchen is the heart of the home. It keeps you fed, brings your family together in between checking their mobile devices, and creates fond memories of cooking with your loved ones. However...


....if you have read any of my blog posts before, you would know that anything that may seem ordinary to most, transforms into an "Alice in Wonderland" version in my brain. (No I am not on any hallucinogens.) 

I do find cheese hilarious though.


So follow me down the rabbit hole and into my kitchen where I will give you the grand tour, of ridiculous.


It all started today when I went to the cutlery drawer to look for a spoon. I look inside to discover that the only utensils left in the drawer are these huge ones made for giants or something. Of course I couldn't be bothered to wait for the dishwasher to finish running, I used that spoon like a boss. I was confused for a minute when I had finished my bowl of cereal in 3 bites.

We move on from the cutlery drawer and over to the cabinet. Do you ever find yourself in possession of a mystery can? I'm excited, terrified, and intrigued all at the same time. What could it be? Dog food? Baked beans? Whoop ass?

Now over to the counter we find our cereal boxes. I pick up a box and it feels kind of light, but i go ahead and pour anyway. About 6 pieces of cereal and a shower of cereal dust come out. How am I supposed to count this as a meal? Who would leave 6 freaking pieces left?!

Or how about having a full bowl of cereal but there is 3 drops of milk left in the jug, or no milk at all! I bet like me, someone out there considered using water or juice as a milk substitute. This may be one of the most distressing kitchen scenarios out there. I suck up my pride and pour the cereal back in the box, but not without spilling pieces all over the place.

*Side note: As an adult, I still make my cereal choices at the grocery store based on how colorful the box is and bonus points if there is a prize inside. (More for your money, duh.)

Which brings me to a kitchen phenomena all it's own: The Kitchen Shuffle.

The Kitchen Shuffle happens when you're hungry, but you don't have what you're craving, so you go from looking in each cabinet, to staring in refrigerator, to looking in freezer a few times hoping something great magically appears. Repeat 3-4 times or until you give up and eat something mediocre.

This can turn into a dangerous concoction of random foods that have high chances of causing digestion problems. Don't do it!


Next we look into the refrigerator.  First I'd like to say that I don't like to waste food, but i find it rather amusing that only the "healthy" food expires and that the junk food gets eaten up right away. Apple or "super fructose happy calorie mega dye snack"?  No brainer, always pick the one with the magical unicorn on the package, unless you don't want your leg to suddenly fall off.

Lastly, I take you over to the pantry where  we find..... a 10 pound bag of rice that expires in 2 days?! Kids! Guess what we're having for breakfast, lunch, brunch, dinner, and fourthmeal!


Before we leave the kitchen altogether, I'd like to mention the disaster of overbuying at the grocery store.

 So you go grocery shopping, get too much fridge freezer stuff. Have to tetris the items before they get warm, get desperate, start breaking hot dogs in half, smashing eggs.. If you have a fridge/freezer where the freezer is on the top, be careful how freezer is arranged, otherwise a frozen projectile will hurtle towards your face. You won't fix it either until it happens 4-5 times. You get angry when it happens to you, but when you hear the loud slap of the Digiorno box hitting the floor when someone else opens it, you can't help but laugh.

Thanks for visiting my kitchen. I don't know about yours, but mine really seems to hate me. I hope out of all of the words above, I managed to provide some help to those out there whose kitchens treat them badly, like mine.


I hate my kitchen, but I love you.

I easily annoy my wife

Marriage.

"Till death do us part" they say, but in today's reality it's "till you pay all lawyer fees". That explains when a guy gets divorced and says, "I'm half the man I used to be", it's because the other half went to his wife in the settlement.

Don't get me wrong, I love being married. I maybe even enjoy it too much. Keep reading to hear my secret on why.

It's more than a friendship. Even more than a partnership. I realized quick that more than anything, it is a game of strategy. 

Marriage puts me in situations where I feel like a political candidate. One petty little argument easily turns into a full debate; us behind our own podiums facing each other. We take turns, trying to make the next statement more powerful and undeniable. It only ends when someone says something that doesn't make sense out of frustration, something they didn't mean out of anger, or that one thing from the past that gets brought up even though it may be completely unrelated (the red button, dont press the red button!)

I usually lose, so in our house my wife has served two consecutive terms in office. Here's to Me in 2016 !

Despite the rare occasion when there is an argument, I found out the following fast:

• When I'm right, I'm wrong.
• When I'm wrong, I'm wrong.
• And lastly, I'm wrong.

Guys, the key is to learn this as quick as possible, just accept fate, right ladies? Also that two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. 

So here's the fun part of marriage for me: annoying my wife. 

I'd like to say it's unintentional but as I write this I realize that I do it mostly for my amusement. Perhaps subconsciously? Here are some examples:

• Wear one of my old shirts. Find hole in shirt. Yell and rip apart shirt like Hulk Hogan. Wife looks at me like I'm insane. 

• Wife goes into bathroom and shuts door. I wait quietly by door. Wife opens door, I scream. (Works also if screaming while wife still in bathroom) Wife mad.

• Wife calls me on cell phone. I answer by screaming "oh my god!" Wife freaks out, then tells me off.

• When wife leaves room, hide in random places. Scream when finds me. Wife annoyed.

• Leave shoes in middle of bedroom. Wife trips on them, in the dark. Wife bruised and angry.

• Wait for wife to turn around at grocery store, run to other part of store without her noticing. Wife embarrassed.

• Wife trying to have conversation, asks me what she just said. Answer with wrong/random/vague word. Wife insulted.

Luckily, my wife has a great sense of humor and can put up with my stupid jokes and immature behavior. That's how you know when you found the right one.

Thanks for reading folks. Don't be afraid to leave a comment beloooooooooow!