It's a bird, it's a plane, no really, it's a plane

Hello blog readers, and by that I mean real people who came to Euphemisms of Life on purpose, and not led here astray by shifty search engines like a desperate human trafficker.


I took a two week break to gather my thoughts and to see if I have anyone who genuinely checks back to read my nonsense. Results show that my variations on the pictures I post are rather popular, as well as certain phrases. I might be the next Donald Trump or Paris Hilton; my catch phrase will be, "That's hot, you're fired." I'm glad neither of them read this, or I would owe them more money than I could possibly raise at a car wash to save my legs from being broken.


I always try to have something in the near future to look forward to, especially to get me through long work days and life's minor annoyances. 

Currently I'm dealing with our home flooding in different places every weekend, conveniently when management and maintenance are off duty. It's almost like a scene out of a horror movie, water coming out of the ceiling where the exhaust fan is, water trickling inside of the linen closet from god knows where, and as of today, water spraying out of the water heater in our storage closet like a sauna. Anyone know which retirement home I can find Aquaman at?


So I come to the conclusion that my family and I need to get away for awhile on vacation. The hardest part of course is going to be the wait. A couple of short weeks to go, but already I am going over the fine details in my head, and when I start thinking, the sarcastic hemisphere of my brain fires up.

I thought of some ways to make people feel more comfortable at the airport, but be warned they may not be fast nor efficient.


Terminal-ly Ill


First off, some airports are large and intimidating just approaching the unloading zones. I would eliminate these drop offs into two categories: "Within America" and "Elsewhere." Personally, I would think to myself, "Okay, this is pretty easy, I am not going out of the states so I go this way." I only say this because the last time I went to the airport there were so many terminals, I got lost right away. If I went to one of those large directories like in the shopping malls that indicated where you are with a star, it would read, "You are lost, dumbass."


In-security


Next, I thought about the security screening. I would make two lines: One for the ugly people and another for everyone else. This might make lines go faster since the unattractive flyers would rather be patted down than x-rayed. Who ever thought you would ever have to choose between someone grabbing your balls or looking at a picture of them? Whatever you do though, be polite, or you might just get a full body prison search by a handsome mustachioed woman named Betty Jean.


The second part of this is arriving in suitable attire. Wear a burlap sack with a drawstring and anything made out of wool or hemp. If you set off that metal detector, you might get deported, hopefully to your intended international destination. 


Thirdly, pack your bags wisely. If it looks like you are trying to smuggle C-3PO on your carry on luggage, you might be delayed a while. I'll have to remember to bundle up my cell phone charger and any other cords neatly and to put a sign that is visible through the x-ray conveyor that says, "No bombs here, have a nice day, smiley face."


Budget cuts = No nuts


Many airlines feeling the pinch of the recession and higher operating costs have had to cut back on some luxuries in addition to increasing fares, checking bags, etc. One of the things that people enjoyed in flight was the complimentary peanuts, pretzels, and soda, until most had to take them away. I would still like to give something back to the customers, therefore I would have my employees give complimentary compliments. For example if a woman asks a flight attendant for a drink, the flight attendant could say, "I'm sorry we don't have any complimentary beverages or snacks anymore, however, that shirt matches your eyes well."


Three strikes your out


I would have all the planes fitted with a trap door under each seat. Each passenger has three strikes before their trap door opens and they parachute to the ground (Only if they paid the extra $35 for the parachute option). 

Unacceptable behavior includes: coughing or sneezing all over the person next to you without covering your mouth, spending too long in the bathroom and or stinking it up, talking constantly and or laughing obnoxiously at a loud volume, etc.


Some things will have to be decided via rock, paper scissors, like, who gets the arm rest, the window seat, and so on.


Well that about wraps up my sarcastic take on revamping the airport. It's good to see you again, and I mean you, a real person. Not you, search engine people trafficker thingy.

Obey These New Traffic Signs

Driving can be fun, when it's something you want to do and not have to. Roads trips for example are a blast, for the most part, until you get to the last third of the trip when everyone is tired, hungry, and homesick. Not to mention spending long bouts of time with other people in close proximity, they tend to get grouchy and animalistic, doubly worse when it's friends and family to bicker with. Everyone turns into a diva.


But when I have to drive to work, driving becomes more of a chore. To begin with, the stress of  knowing you are about to spend the majority of your day indoors with the rude population sets the tone. Then racing the clock to arrive at the workplace on time, despite horrible drivers and seemingly overbearing stretches of road construction. I drive past a happy family with bikes and camping gear strapped to the roof of their car, just rubbing it in my face, I pull over and do a rain dance to spite them.


Let me ask you a simple question.  


Do you like or despise driving?


Either way, please enjoy the following modifications using driving scenarios, road signs, and a motor vehicle learning manual.


Back to the future junkyard

It seems that if you drive backwards for at least 6 seconds your car will explode. Either that or the person in the first car is elderly/from out of state and is causing each subsequent driver to be 3 seconds closer to losing their shit.


Also, do giants work for the department of transportation? Then who screwed in that enormous Phillips screw?


Go too slow, get the ray gun

When I get stuck between two cars driving at the same slow rate of speed blocking my path, I wait for one of them to get over. Then I make my move. I pass between them and shoot my blinding ray from both sides.


Don't stop, give props

This one may be a little dangerous and I also do not recommend anyone attempting this, but when done right, makes all the difference. 1 point for high fiving on the same road passing by, 2 points for high fiving while passing in opposite turn lanes.

Diamonds of weird warnings

I can deal with the bears, squids, and bees, but not the cat's butt-hole. Disgusting.


It's fun to stay at the

Sorry, couldn't help myself. 




There are many other signs that are pretty mediocre at best, including all of the tetris shapes. Could you imagine giant tetris shapes falling out of the sky?


In any case I wish everyone would take a second to think before they get in their cars and just

By the way, if you have any say about construction zones, please tell them to do sections at a time, do not close entire roads and not have any workers for spans of weeks at a time, and let me know ahead of time so I can plan accordingly!





Well, time for me to go. Thank you for stopping by, you are always welcome here.

More Like: New Years Devolutions

Let's get this out of the way, Happy New Years!


Great, now I have to get used to writing 2011. I'm going to bet, right now, that I forget and put 2010 for months. Oh well, at least I can only mess up for another year according to my Mayan calendar, it was on clearance.

This actually reminds me of something ridiculous my mom said to me about the movie 2012. We were talking about the end of the world aka the "apocalypse" and my mom says to me, "Have you seen the movie 2012 yet?" I said no. She then says to me, "It's based on a true story." I couldn't help but laugh at her and point out that not only were we 2 years away from 2012, but John Cusack was a robot. 

I'm going to make another prediction to say that 2012 will be another "Y2K" episode, in the way that people will freak out and stock up on 400 rolls of toilet paper and 6,895 cans of mushroom soup. I hate mushrooms.


So according to the Chinese Zodiac 2011 is the year of the rabbit, well technically as of February 3rd. What this means is that every Super Chinese Buffet has specials on rabbit dishes. 2010, year of the tiger was delicious, but only the orange ones. (Note: I have never eaten a tiger. Please do not attempt this, you may be the one eaten.)


If you were born in the year of the rabbit your characteristics may include: wrinkling your nose, hopping, biting, crapping pellets, and looking like a dumbass. I don't trust anything with eyes on the sides of their head.

Anyhow, besides the lethal combination of getting drunk and shooting off fireworks in close proximity to your family and friends, New Years is more about the Resolutions you are supposed to make and stick with through the new year. This never happens. 


I'm going to list for you some examples of common resolutions, but I translate them to what people really mean. Here are 2011's New Year Devolutions:


1. Dieting


What people say:


I am going to lose weight


What they mean:


I am going to eat a salad on Jan. 1st, a value menu with Diet Cola on Jan. 2nd, and only a single Family size bag of Doritos on Jan 3rd, Then on Jan 4th I will look at myself in the mirror and give up, pledging to diet in 2012. 

2. Better your character


What people say:


I want to have a more positive attitude towards others.


What they mean:


I will "try" to be nice to the first person I see, but I swear, if they give me attitude I'm going to tear their face off! If I get thrown in court ordered anger management on more time.....
  
3. Budgeting


What people say:


I'm going to pay off my debts and save money.


What they mean:


If I have any money left after bills, I'm going shopping, woo! I have to get more friends for my troll doll collection!

Other common ones I've heard of are quitting smoking, keeping more organized, watching less tv, etc.


The only resolutions I personally promise to keep, is to take care of my family, work hard at my job, and continue writing here.

I hope one of your resolutions is to continue to read this wonderfully weird and incredibly ridiculous collection of words that is my blog.


You keep it alive, thanks.