A few more friends from Malaysia and some new visitors from India and Turkey have stopped by. I'd like to say, "Welcome!" And if you happened upon my page accidentally trying to get real examples of euphemisms of life, well, read my blog anyway.
First off, I would like to say I love this time of year. The cold weather, putting up the tree and decorations, hanging up lights, gathering together and eating home-cooked food, holiday music and movies, all of these things I enjoy.
However, there also some cons of the holidays. I work as a manager in retail and if you have ever worked retail around this time of year you know people lose their damn minds before they walk through the door.
I read that a friend of a friend of mine grabbed the last flat screen television before a small Asian woman and made her cry. I also read about people camping out at stores all night for "things" that aren't really that good of deals anyway. People even get trampled trying to get that "Tickle Me Elmo" that their kids are either going to break in the first five minutes or end up in the bottom of the toy box by the end of the week. And no, you can not blame it on Elmo, I tried.
Besides, being a father, I have put together many toys that required assembling and let me tell you, they are the worst. The pretend kitchen will always top my list of "never again" toys. If a toy has more than a 100 parts that are listed in a combination of numbers, letters, and symbols and the instructions are printed in more than 4 languages, it is a definite no-no. Putting these cutesy toys together also results in physical pain from trying to use a simple screwdriver and hammer. Good thing my son was asleep, otherwise he would ask me what a f***ing hammer was.
Things have changed a lot, even since I was little. I would love for times to be like they were about 60 years ago. Even though I would be about negative 36 years old, I like how things looked simple and was more about family.
These days they even take Santa, who is supposed to be a nice, gift giving man, and put him into a movie as a psycho killer on a rampage on Christmas night. I'm still afraid to stick my hand in a stocking.
Which reminds me, a few years ago, I was working for a big box retail store during this time of year, fixing holiday decorations out in the garden center. I had just finished straightening up the glass ornaments when I had reached the stockings. I hung a few up and noticed one lying on the ground a few feet away. I picked up the stocking and noticed that it seemed a bit heavier than the others. I thought to myself, "Maybe someone put something in it." I put the stocking up to my face and looked inside, which proved to be a mistake.
To my horror, someone had defecated (poo-pooed) in the stocking. I felt so many emotions at once, shock was the outcome of all of them combined.
First I was angry that whomever did this could have not only used the restroom in the store, but also the fact that they ruined merchandise. I was also angry that I was practically "punked" even though I still don't know if that was the intention or if they really had to go and that was the best idea in that time of crisis.
(Could you imagine seeing someone with their pants around their ankles, squatting over a stocking they are holding?)
I decided at this point I wouldn't be the only victim of this holiday horror. I took the stocking to the front of the store where my friend was working at the time. I told him that he was bad this year and handed him the stocking. He brought the stocking to his face, just as I did not even ten minutes earlier. His reaction was priceless. I laughed until my gut hurt and to this day, as I am now, telling this warm and smelly holiday story.
This whole disaster could have been Santa retaliating against me for not believing in him anymore and his definition of "lump of coal" was used very loosely.
All in all I am very happy for my son, especially because I get to see him excited for the holidays and I get to share the traditions I had growing up. I also have an excuse to play with toys as a grown man too, bonus!
Well, this concludes a holiday tale from yours truly. I wish everyone a happy holiday, no matter what form it may be that you happen to celebrate it. Be safe and remember that without the people in your life, there is no one to enjoy the "things" with.
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