We good? Okay.
First off, let me give a shout out to my one viewer all the way from Canada, we made it eh?
Also big thanks to my friends who have read my blog and encourage me to share my weirdness with the world. I'll make sure to celebrate when I get my first reader from across either ocean, I'm not picky.
Alright down to business.
I realized today that tv has me programmed. As I left for work today, I put on my sunglasses and in my head I hear, "Yeeeeeeaahhhhhhhh!" Now I'm afraid that when I close my eyes and start to drift to sleep, I'll see David Caruso speeding down the everglades in a speedboat, glaring at me.
Sleeping in general is a daily challenge for everyone in my apartment. Above us we have "Agro Stompy Guy" who (according to his bumper stickers) loves the NRA and has a crush on Jan Brewer. His daily activities include: being angry, stomping, rolling, body slamming, pacing, and driving an environmentally friendly car. I imagine this guy has no furniture and speaks like a caveman. When he is ready for sleep he goes, "Me sleep," and just falls flat on the floor. Good for him though, being a friend to mother earth..... although I've heard it's so easy even he could do it.
On the bottom floor across from us we have the ninjas. They always conduct their business between the hours of midnight and 4 am, obviously so they are undetected. I hear their squeaky door (must be ninjas in training who cannot afford WD-40) in the early hours of the morning. This followed by their associate who does soft car horn beeps until a ninja comes out and disappears into the night. One time they left for a few days with their door wide open. I assumed they were either at ninja training camp or they had been defeated by another ninja clan. I might have seen them before, but who knows what a ninja looks like in the daytime?
Which brings me to the upstairs diagonal neighbors. I believe they are slipping bribes to the office so they can get 2 extra parking spots, just in case Robin Leach stops by to film "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous: Apartment Complex Edition." They must have also hired an interior decorator whose expertise is medieval authenticity. All day you hear crying, screaming, and yelling from their torture chamber. This brings me back around to the tv, because if it is not on, I can hear their loud bickering and let me tell you, I need a bleep button for all the profanities. Here's an example of a good day:
Man: Babe, I f****** love you.
Woman: Shut the f*** you a**hole. You know I love you too.
Last but surely not least we come to the Crotch Rocket Gang. They live a few buildings down, however their parking space is close enough to hear them revving every night around 1 am, it never fails. What is the point? I am surely not impressed, I mean come on get real motorcycles to show off. So there are three of them and they all come out and start revving at the same time, sometimes for a few minutes all the way up to about 10 minutes. This is the scenario I believe happens:
Guy 1: Bro, I'm bored. What should we do.
Guy 2: Dude, we should go fire up the bikes!
Guy 3: Yeah man, sick!
They all go outside to their bikes.
Guy 2: Check this out! (Revs bike)
Guy 1: That's nothing bro, listen to this! (Revs longer)
Guy 3: Yo, let's do it all at the same time! (Joins in)
This goes on for another five minutes, then they go back inside. What is the point of that other than pissing off all of your neighbors? What do they talk about when they go back inside?
Guy 3: Damn, that was sick stuff dude!
Guy 2: Man, my bike is the sickest. Mines was like brum brum brum bruuum!
Guy 1: What are you talking 'bout bro?! My bike is way sicker than yours! Blu bluh bluh braaaaaaam!
Can you tell I want to chain all three bikes together with 100 chains and padlocks?
A little bit of wisdom for you travelers of the internet:
You don't have to love thy neighbor, but you should at least respect them. Let's just hope mine don't read my blog, or steal my wireless signal.
No comments:
Post a Comment