I came home after a long and wearing day of work to find a few more unique visitors have stumbled upon my blog.
A few more friends from Malaysia and some new visitors from India and Turkey have stopped by. I'd like to say, "Welcome!" And if you happened upon my page accidentally trying to get real examples of euphemisms of life, well, read my blog anyway.
First off, I would like to say I love this time of year. The cold weather, putting up the tree and decorations, hanging up lights, gathering together and eating home-cooked food, holiday music and movies, all of these things I enjoy.
However, there also some cons of the holidays. I work as a manager in retail and if you have ever worked retail around this time of year you know people lose their damn minds before they walk through the door.
I read that a friend of a friend of mine grabbed the last flat screen television before a small Asian woman and made her cry. I also read about people camping out at stores all night for "things" that aren't really that good of deals anyway. People even get trampled trying to get that "Tickle Me Elmo" that their kids are either going to break in the first five minutes or end up in the bottom of the toy box by the end of the week. And no, you can not blame it on Elmo, I tried.
Which reminds me, a few years ago, I was working for a big box retail store during this time of year, fixing holiday decorations out in the garden center. I had just finished straightening up the glass ornaments when I had reached the stockings. I hung a few up and noticed one lying on the ground a few feet away. I picked up the stocking and noticed that it seemed a bit heavier than the others. I thought to myself, "Maybe someone put something in it." I put the stocking up to my face and looked inside, which proved to be a mistake.
To my horror, someone had defecated (poo-pooed) in the stocking. I felt so many emotions at once, shock was the outcome of all of them combined.
First I was angry that whomever did this could have not only used the restroom in the store, but also the fact that they ruined merchandise. I was also angry that I was practically "punked" even though I still don't know if that was the intention or if they really had to go and that was the best idea in that time of crisis.
(Could you imagine seeing someone with their pants around their ankles, squatting over a stocking they are holding?)
I decided at this point I wouldn't be the only victim of this holiday horror. I took the stocking to the front of the store where my friend was working at the time. I told him that he was bad this year and handed him the stocking. He brought the stocking to his face, just as I did not even ten minutes earlier. His reaction was priceless. I laughed until my gut hurt and to this day, as I am now, telling this warm and smelly holiday story.
This whole disaster could have been Santa retaliating against me for not believing in him anymore and his definition of "lump of coal" was used very loosely.
All in all I am very happy for my son, especially because I get to see him excited for the holidays and I get to share the traditions I had growing up. I also have an excuse to play with toys as a grown man too, bonus!
Well, this concludes a holiday tale from yours truly. I wish everyone a happy holiday, no matter what form it may be that you happen to celebrate it. Be safe and remember that without the people in your life, there is no one to enjoy the "things" with.
Congratulations and thanks are in order.
Today I received my first viewer from across the ocean, thank you visitor from Malaysia! It was a good excuse to see where Malaysia was and learn a little about it, very interesting.
Speaking of geography, a few weeks ago for fun I decided to see, just for kicks, if I was stuck in Japan and needed to get back home to the states, how I would do that. For this I turned to Google maps.
From destination, I put Japan. To destination, I put USA. Then enter.
After many steps navigating through Japan, I only assume this because I can't read Japanese symbols, I came to step number 27:
27. Kayak across the Pacific Ocean for 2,756 miles
Okay, so as you may have already noticed, I tend to over-analyze everything, but several things came to mind.
1. Has anyone ever taken these directions seriously?
2. How do they know it takes 35 days to kayak across the Pacific? Is there some guy at Google who gets paid to do these things?
3. Why not jet ski, swim, or sail across? Is it less conspicuous to enter the states in a kayak?
4. How do you go to the bathroom when you're stuck in a kayak for that long? Wouldn't you fall over if you tried to "go" over the side?
Apparently when you arrive in Hawaii, you are supposed to go through the island and continue kayaking to the mainland. Just make sure your kayak is dry and your transportation can accommodate your kayak.
All kidding aside, I'd like to thank my friend Shane for pointing this out, good stuff.
Google also sports the "Google Street View" function. I'm sure you all have heard the controversy surrounding it. Basically for those who are not familiar with Google Maps, they took street view pictures, some of them taking people off guard.
If you search the internet you are sure to find some of these images, but be warned some are inappropriate. One that comes to mind is a guy peeing in public by an overpass. Gross and funny in my opinion.
I think Google Street View is a lot of things. It is an amazing piece of technology and helpful in navigating people to places that are otherwise difficult to get to.
On the other hand it creeps me out. What if I'm walking down the street and I itch my nose, but it looks like I'm picking my nose?
Pretty soon Google will be able to see inside your homes and you can see yourself on the computer or sitting on the toilet. This is one case I do not wish that technology would advance.
Just be warned, if you see this car coming down your street, hide!
That's it for now. Again, thank you for visiting and please follow my blog by clicking the follow button on the right side of the page!
One of my fond memories of childhood was going to my grandma's house to play games, watch movies, and get away from our house which was pretty boring most of the time.
On movie nights we would go down to the video store and rent, dare I say, a few VHS tapes.
*For those of you not familiar with a "VHS tape", it was a large square black rectangular plastic box with a roll of "film" inside on which the "frames" were printed upon. These "VHS tapes" were inserted in a device called a "VCR" which....... ah forget it.
Anyhow, after picking out the tapes (we usually got something kid friendly like Three Stooges or The Little Rascals) we would go back to my grandma's to watch them.
The best part of movie nights were the popcorn and specifically the way my grandma would make it. She had this little popcorn maker that had a dish on the top to melt butter at the same time. I still believe that popcorn maker had a little popcorn faerie in it or a compartment for magic or something. I wasn't fond of popcorn in general, but I was a fan of this popcorn.
Back then, which doesn't seem so long ago but in retrospect is about 15 years ago, things were simpler, which brings me to the present.
I was at the grocery store with my wife and son and I was supposed to be paying attention to the grocery list. However, I always become easily distracted by new food products.
I walked down the cookie/cracker/juice aisle and saw this seemingly innocent package:
A few things came to mind as I absorbed the image of this packaging.
1. Hmm......does it taste like real bacon?
2. Is it made with real bacon? (Does say natural flavors)
3. Why is this so expensive?
Then things got more serious, as I seemed to be sucked into the hypnotizing rays of brown and..... light brown of the package. I started to think things like:
1. Why is the bacon cartoony? Are they targeting kids?
2. Is the bacon in the hug position to get you to feel comfortable with your impending heart pains?
3. Wouldn't the bacon be sad that he is going to be consumed?
4. Is this the future of America?!
I calmed myself down and was about to walk away, when I saw this:
Bacon is now friends with Cheddar. Or they got married. I mean, it's still bacon pop, but with cheddar, so they would be Mr. and Mrs. Cheddar Bacon Pop?
I had to walk away before this got out of control. Could you imagine if another flavor was added to the mix? How would I explain that to the children?
Bottom line, I ask of you, readers of my blog to please refrain from buying flavored popcorn. It's unnatural and we will keep bacon and cheddar where they belong, out of my popcorn and on my hamburger.
If you have to feed the dog, take out the trash, or burp the baby, you should probably do that first. Go ahead, I'll wait.
We good? Okay.
First off, let me give a shout out to my one viewer all the way from Canada, we made it eh?
Also big thanks to my friends who have read my blog and encourage me to share my weirdness with the world. I'll make sure to celebrate when I get my first reader from across either ocean, I'm not picky.
Alright down to business.
I realized today that tv has me programmed. As I left for work today, I put on my sunglasses and in my head I hear, "Yeeeeeeaahhhhhhhh!" Now I'm afraid that when I close my eyes and start to drift to sleep, I'll see David Caruso speeding down the everglades in a speedboat, glaring at me.
Sleeping in general is a daily challenge for everyone in my apartment. Above us we have "Agro Stompy Guy" who (according to his bumper stickers) loves the NRA and has a crush on Jan Brewer. His daily activities include: being angry, stomping, rolling, body slamming, pacing, and driving an environmentally friendly car. I imagine this guy has no furniture and speaks like a caveman. When he is ready for sleep he goes, "Me sleep," and just falls flat on the floor. Good for him though, being a friend to mother earth..... although I've heard it's so easy even he could do it.
On the bottom floor across from us we have the ninjas. They always conduct their business between the hours of midnight and 4 am, obviously so they are undetected. I hear their squeaky door (must be ninjas in training who cannot afford WD-40) in the early hours of the morning. This followed by their associate who does soft car horn beeps until a ninja comes out and disappears into the night. One time they left for a few days with their door wide open. I assumed they were either at ninja training camp or they had been defeated by another ninja clan. I might have seen them before, but who knows what a ninja looks like in the daytime?
Which brings me to the upstairs diagonal neighbors. I believe they are slipping bribes to the office so they can get 2 extra parking spots, just in case Robin Leach stops by to film "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous: Apartment Complex Edition." They must have also hired an interior decorator whose expertise is medieval authenticity. All day you hear crying, screaming, and yelling from their torture chamber. This brings me back around to the tv, because if it is not on, I can hear their loud bickering and let me tell you, I need a bleep button for all the profanities. Here's an example of a good day:
Man: Babe, I f****** love you.
Woman: Shut the f*** you a**hole. You know I love you too.
Last but surely not least we come to the Crotch Rocket Gang. They live a few buildings down, however their parking space is close enough to hear them revving every night around 1 am, it never fails. What is the point? I am surely not impressed, I mean come on get real motorcycles to show off. So there are three of them and they all come out and start revving at the same time, sometimes for a few minutes all the way up to about 10 minutes. This is the scenario I believe happens:
Guy 1: Bro, I'm bored. What should we do.
Guy 2: Dude, we should go fire up the bikes!
Guy 3: Yeah man, sick!
They all go outside to their bikes.
Guy 2: Check this out! (Revs bike)
Guy 1: That's nothing bro, listen to this! (Revs longer)
Guy 3: Yo, let's do it all at the same time! (Joins in)
This goes on for another five minutes, then they go back inside. What is the point of that other than pissing off all of your neighbors? What do they talk about when they go back inside?
Guy 3: Damn, that was sick stuff dude!
Guy 2: Man, my bike is the sickest. Mines was like brum brum brum bruuum!
Guy 1: What are you talking 'bout bro?! My bike is way sicker than yours! Blu bluh bluh braaaaaaam!
Can you tell I want to chain all three bikes together with 100 chains and padlocks?
A little bit of wisdom for you travelers of the internet:
You don't have to love thy neighbor, but you should at least respect them. Let's just hope mine don't read my blog, or steal my wireless signal.
When it rains it pours. Life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Make the best with what you got.
I'm pretty sure you get the idea here, but first let me ask you:
Are you a member of the human race? Have you ever had a bad day, week, month? Well take a look at one of the "interesting" things that have happened to me recently:
1. Hair cutting accident
I have been cutting my own hair for about 5 years now. I have also never had any problems and have been satisfied with the results. Going back to two weeks ago, I decided it was time to cut my hair. I took out the hair trimmer and affixed the number 3 attachment to the blade and trimmed away.
After I was done, I noticed I missed a few hairs. I picked up the trimmer and unbeknown to me, the attachment was not on the blade. I run it straight over the top of my head and shaved a bald spot. Cue my wife to walk in at that very moment. I was simultaneously horrified and embarrassed, she was laughing hysterically. After several minutes of saying,"Oh shi*," I decided I had no choice but to shave the rest of my hair. At this point I wasn't completely bald, however my hair couldn't have been longer than a 1/4 inch.
I knew it was my fault for not paying attention to the shaver, but I never had a problem with it before and with all things including people, they have problems further in age. I was convinced my shaver was out to get me. Was it because I had not oiled the blade in a while?
I stared in the mirror for minutes, just trying to convince myself that it didn't look that bad, but I couldn't get used to it. My wife chimes in that I should wear a long white shirt, baggy shorts and pulled up white socks, like I could pull off being a cholo, ha! I laughed, I mean it was pretty funny, the situation I mean.
Then I thought, "What are my coworkers going to think?" I started coming up with responses to questions raised about my hair, or lack of.
1. I have joined the army.
2. I donated my hair.
3. I am dying. (Definitely wouldn't use that one)
4. Lost a bet
5. The truth
Of course I chose the easiest of those, the truth. I figured it was embarrassing, but also a funny story. It takes more effort to lie and it just plain feels bad, so there you go.
Travelers of the internet, I leave you with this. If you cut your own hair, watch your utensils. They might be having a bad day.
Ian
I planned on acting like the responsible adult that I am by going to bed at a reasonable time. I just have to say that I am kind of a night owl and have a hard time going to sleep, especially before midnight.
As I climbed into bed and pulled the covers over, I congratulated myself in my head for achieving this feat. After a few adjustments of my pillow I closed my eyes and completely relaxed. Not even a few minutes later I heard a weird hissing noise, kind of like the sound of rubbing two pieces of styrofoam together right by my ear. I jumped up and looked under the bed to see if the dog might have stood up and sniffed by me, but she was asleep on the living room couch.
Deciding to chalk it up to something being blown around by the fan, I tried to sleep once more. About five minutes later I felt a tug on my leg. I looked around again and nobody was in the room with me. I said screw this and hightailed it out of there.
I am not ashamed to say that I am a grown man that was startled by noises. I'm also unsure about whether ghosts exist, especially after watching several ghost investigating shows. After what I said today at work however, I am convinced I am being taught a lesson for making a joke.
My ghost is Ray Charles. No, hear me out.
I came across a pair of sunglasses still in the box. I held them up in front of my face and said, "These must be the Ray Charles brand sunglasses, because I can't see a damn thing!"
I got a laugh and a head shake of disapproval, but at what cost?
Let's just say now I have learned my lesson not to make jokes about the departed or they might come visit you and shake you up a bit.
I am glad to have been able to warn whomever comes across this, take heed and watch what you say, or you might get a visit from a ghost named Ray! Ok that was........yeah, goodnight.
Ian
Hello, hola, bonjour, konnichi wa!
Welcome to what is the "birth" of my blog, Euphemisms of Life. Let me just say that I am not a professional writer, blogger, or funny man. This place is for my random assortment of words that may or may not form into something funny, insightful, or just plain weird.
Just a little background on my self, I am a native of Phoenix, Arizona and have been a resident most of my life. I am a father to the most wonderful four year old and a husband to the prettiest girl I have ever laid eyes upon. At this point in my life I am grateful for the happiness that the people in my life bring me.
You will come to find out that despite being a 24 year old man, I enjoy the simple things in life. I also enjoy dreaming about someday striking it rich from the lottery or some Great Aunt Petunia leaving me her mansion up in the Hamptons, but I can live with what I have.
Someday I hope to retire somewhere nice, away from the smog and traffic noise. Somewhere with big lakes, lots of trees, and fresh cool air. I would sit on the porch and finish the book I started writing a few years ago (that's a whole long story I won't go into now).
Anyhow, thank you traveler of the internet for resting upon my page and gracing it with your presence. I will update my blog as often as I can and again thank you for visiting.
Sincerely,
Ian
