Although when you RSVP'd, I didn't realize your +2 would be your cats.
Before I get started, I would like to thank my friends, family, and readers for coming back for more ridiculous.
It's like that time mama said, "Boy, you touch that stove, you gonna get burned." It's kind of like my blog being the stove and you not learning your lesson, but if that means your coming back, well I'm doing something right. There must be a pot of awesome cooking on that stove.
Anyhow, the theme of this installment is all about parties. When I think of parties I think, food, people, and entertainment. However, there has to be a reason for the gathering and this is where the logical department of my brain goes on vacation and where the room full of monkeys on typewriters take over.
In my routine of human observation, I have come to a conclusion that these days people are coming up with any excuse to have a party. Here are a few that I think are stupid and as a bonus I'll add a few I made up.
Botox Party - Thanks to Professor Snipe who purified toxin in 1928, middle age women can come together and get their faces jabbed with needles. I'd hate to be the one hosting, especially after they tried to eat after their faces were paralyzed, there would be food crumbs and drool all over the floor.
By the way, if you read his name as Professor Snape at first, you need to get the Potter patch.
Enema Party - I can't say for certain that this has ever happened, but could you imagine? Would you even want to? There would have to be a pretty creative flier to get people to attend. It would say something like, "You're invited to the number 2 party of the year! B.Y.O.E. Friends, family, neighbors, everyone is welcome! There will be back door prizes! Feeling down in the dumps? Stop by and let loose!"
Sick, I know, but who can resist a good poo joke?
Good Fortune Party - I'm not talking about winning the lottery or finding a bag full of cash. It's when your bank account is exactly $7.77. I figure if 7 is a lucky number and you have less than 8 dollars, well it might be a good idea to cheer yourself up before you're flat broke. Considering your funds however, you might only be able to afford to serve kool aid and saltines.
Now moving on, we come to forms of entertainment that never quite caught on or just went horribly wrong.
So you have a birthday party for a bunch of 5 year old kids. You hire a clown right? Well what happens when you have a party for a bunch of clowns? Who are you suppose to hire? It might feel something like this:
Then I thought about opening my own specialty pinata business and making them for the following:
Divorce - Head of the ex-husband or ex-wife. Half of the candy goes to each spouse.
Completed Rehab - Might not want to fill the pinata with bottle caps and pixie sticks.
Hemorrhoids Gone - A giant ass filled with tubes of Preparation H.
Husband Forgot to Clean Litter Box - Wife filled it with the contents of the litter box.
Next I came up with a theory about receiving gifts. Start taking a closer look at the gifts you are getting and they will reveal how people really think of you. You may find out you had more problems than you thought. For example if you receive:
A fine wine - You're an alcoholic.
Food gift card - You're a fat ass.
Cash - You're poor.
Check - You're stupid. They're poor, it's going to bounce, and they already know this.
Clothes - You dress like Pee Pants, the inebriated hobo clown.
Well whatever form it may take, I hope the next party you throw will have an invite with my name on it. Except for the enema party, I'll pass on that one.
Just know that all of you are always welcome to my blog anytime, because every post is like a party in itself.
Good reader. Oh I spoke too soon, I told you not to pee on my new rug!
That's okay, you're just a puppy.
But seriously folks, this edition of random is all about "Canis lupus familiaris" aka dog. We humans decided to domesticate the gray wolf about 15,000 years ago to fill the void in our lives we so desperately needed.
They keep us company, protect us, eat our crumbs off the floor, pull our sleds, assist our disabled, and much more. I would like them to learn to do the following:
Ironing - I would first have to create an iron a dog could hold with a paw.
Personal Driver - He could just bark out the window if someone cuts him off.
Body Double - Let me know if this is possible.
Make sandwiches - No mustard or hair, or I take it back.
Martial Arts - Dog kung fu would be awesome and cute.
Speak English - He could tell the cat to fuck off.
I thought to myself, as I do often, that if reincarnation is possible, I would want to come back as a pampered dog. I wouldn't have to worry about working, paying bills, laundry, etc. I could just eat, sleep, lick myself, go to the bathroom, and play with my squeaky toy.
Then I realized this could go wrong. I could come back as one of those tiny male lapdogs that get girly names and are made to wear tiny dresses and outfits. No wonder they are always shaking. The cat would sit in his corner mocking me and I'd have to tell him to fuck off.
Next I wondered what breed I might be and realized the ridiculous possibilities of cross breeds out there such as:
Bull dog + shih tzu = bull shit, dog shit
Poodle + shih tzu = poo shit, shit poo
Bichon + boxer = bitch box - sounds like a gaming system for that one special time of the month. Games are too violent and bloody for me.
Border terrier + Sheltie Crosser = Border Crosser - Not sure where they're from. Now putting myself in the mindset of a dogs, I tried to understand why dogs do bad things and what they are thinking at the time. My friend Stains here is politely begging for a sweet treat, but do they have to torture him with a plate full of cupcakes?
Then there is Toby, who has a butt itch he can't quite scratch. What does he do? This:
Which brings me to my next thing dogs do that I'll never quite understand, eating cat poo. Is it because it smells fishy? Did the cat talk up a lot of false bullshit about them hiding "treats" in their litter box? I could only imagine the texture of it being like warm cheesecake filling rolled in grape nuts, except it's rocks and poop stuck in your teeth.
These are only a few examples: Dogs tearing up pillows and stuffed animals to pulling all of the trash out of the trash can. Ripping apart a full roll of paper towel is also a dogs favorite way to get back at us as soon as we leave the house. The worst has to be a steaming pile of number 2 and even worse if it's runny and you step in it.
But even if you haven't discovered what it is your dog has done yet, there are some signs to tell how bad they have been. To do this, all you have to say is, " _______ what did you do?!
Level of Naughty:
Low - Dog will avoid looking directly at you and lay somewhere else.
Moderate - Dog will squint eyes and roll on their back in submission.
High - Dog will squint eyes, show a toothy smile, and beg for forgiveness.
Severe - Dog will run and hide in another room in their typical hiding place. They think they are clever, but we caught on a long time ago. I didn't say dogs were very good at hide and seek.
Now my mind has taken a ridiculous stop in the "what if" department. Well, what if dogs could walk on two legs and had nice office jobs? Could you imagine dogs dressed in business suits strolling through an office building filled with desks and cubicles? I also imagine they would say hi to each other, then stop to sniff each others butts, then continue to their desk with cup of coffee in their paw.I'm sure the person in charge of HR would be a cat, they are always witches.
This is probably a good stopping point. If I continued on from here, I'm pretty sure this post would skew into nothing more than psycho babble and we don't need any more of that.
However, we could always use a little more tiger blood and.........
