Hoax, myth, or extinction?

Hello again. By the way, that's a nice shirt you're wearing, it matches your personality.


So I was thinking about how fast we grow up and how as children everything is new, exciting, scary, and magical. That is until we are conditioned to eliminate our imagination and daydreaming by the whole idea of growing up. For me, this started with my second grade teacher who I will call, Crayon Nazi.

Crayon Nazi would walk around the room with a scowl on her face and a creased uni-brow, dressed in a dark formal prep school suit, watching us color our pages with crayons and colored pencils. It was a quiet and relaxing activity until you felt her cold shadow cast over you from behind. She stood there analyzing for a few moments until her judgment of criticism was processed. 

She would frequently stop to tell me I could only color in one direction and that I was holding my writing utensils with too many fingers. When we were all finished, she would collect all of them and write little notes like, "What is this supposed to be," or  "Not Real." Maybe I should write her a letter thanking her for terrorizing me and stealing my innocence, using crayons, coloring in both directions. I'll put a unicorn on the front, playing poker with a leprechaun and superman. That will teach the witch.


Then there are those who manage to, through their imaginative thoughts and ideas to create some ridiculous things and try to pass it off as truth and despite everything and everyone who told them to stop dreaming, they did otherwise. So......


What's about 6 foot tall, covered in brownish fur, and makes weird noises?


If you answered, Robin Williams, you're correct.

Actually I was really referring to mythical creatures, unidentified cryptids, and just bizarre animal hybrids people imagine into their own realities.


Here are a few different types and along the way I have even discovered a connection between them that is completely obvious and un-life changing. See if you can spot the similarities.


Yeti aka "Abominable Snowman"

White, between 5-6 feet tall, known to throw stones as weapons, and from the east. This description actually fits some of my relatives. Usually lives in rural mountain areas and cold climates. They can be heard in the distance whistling (maybe a mating call to the sexy Yeti ladies) and are said to have magical blood.

Magical blood?! I better hope Voldemort doesn't read my blog. Er, I mean the-one-whos-name-is-not-supposed-to-be-said-because-he-will-find-you-and-he-be-rapin'-everybody-out-here.


But seriously, if you see one, don't approach it. It takes professionals to befriend one and to get it to put the star on top of their Christmas trees.

Bigfoot aka "Sasquatch"

An apelike creature known to walk on two legs, most commonly spotted in the pacific north west. Not sure if that in some way is connected to the high concentration of marijuana, because I heard Bigfoots (or is it Bigfeet?) like to get high.


They have been reported to be anywhere from 5 to 8 feet tall and sport brownish to reddish fur. One unfortunate sighting happened once outside of a rehab center. It was female around 5 to 6 feet tall and had bright red fur. However, the claims were quickly dismissed once they had realized that it was Lindsay Lohan who had been released from the facility that day and had lost her Lady Venus razor a week ago.


Some claims I've heard have been pretty convincing, but after seeing the following video I am not so sure. Warning: Incredibly Awesome!

Again I would advise everyone to avoid these elusive creatures not only are we unsure of their danger, but mainly becasue they don't take practical jokes very well. Following video is rated H for hilarious.

But let's say one day we discovered a large population of Bigfoot. Let us also imagine that they were mostly well behaved and were integrated into our society. There would be a new set of demands by the race of Bigfoot that would cause me to corner the market based on their needs.


Three words: Bigfoot hair products.


Assuming that they had well paid jobs and disposable income, they would have to spend a fortune on my Bigfoot hair products. I would sell things like:


Different neon color hair dyes
Extra-long extensions
Forest pine scented shampoos
Thick bristled hairbrushes
Chamomile flea bath salts
Little color beads for braids


Can you tell that I was one of the ones that never let go of my imagination?


Chewbacca aka "Chewie"

Okay, so if you took Bigfoot and you gave him a Donald Trump comb back hairstyle, strapped an ammo belt over his shoulder and put a laser gun in his hands, you would get a Wookiee.


I've watched all of the Star Wars movies once through and didn't remember much so I had to refer to The Star Wars "Wookieepedia." Who knew he was a husband and a father? I didn't. And now that I do, how the hell is that relevant to my life?


All I know is that if I was on the run as a fugitive in space, I would want a Wookiee to have my back. I'd have one hell of a bill though when he got back from the groomers.


Despite all of the brushing and telling him to stop licking his crotch in front of people, no one can resist his accent. He always did have a way with words.

Now can you tell me, were you able to watch that without cracking a smile? If so, you are dead inside.


Even though I am all grown up, I refuse to believe that magic doesn't exist in some form or other. Especially when I go to see a movie where people become superheroes, wizards, or they do extraordinary things. I pull the straw out of my drink cup while exiting the theater and as I leave, I try to cast spells on the people waiting in line for the bathroom. Sometimes I still believe to this day after going to see Truman Show, that my whole life has been a television show and I am the only one who doesn't know.


Well, that's about it for now. Just remember, it's okay to have an imagination as an adult, as long as it doesn't get to Neverland levels. Jamone!

Bugs Are Evil - Here's Why

Guess who's back? Yep, it's me. And boy, let me tell you I've had the most interesting month since I've posted last. Went on a great vacation, spent some time with family, totaled my car in an accident, which is ironic especially after my driving post. I also had quite a bit of time to relax and think about the bigger picture of life.


The first realization is that on the outside looking in, it seems ridiculous for someone to be mad at something that cannot recognize being mad at. Even more, being mad about not being able to be mad, if that makes sense.


I'm being vague aren't I?


How about we talk about entomology? Bugs. They piss me off. Not because I'm some crazy who thinks he hears them talking behind his back and that one time they kept threatening to shit in my cereal box. That only happened once. I'm talking about when they scare the crap out of me any and every way they can.


Do you think I'm going to tell you the ways they manage to traumatize me? Yes!


In order to do this, I must tell you that different bugs have their own special way they like to say hello.




Cockroach

This has to be the worst bug, not in terms of danger but of gross factor. Roaches are the prostitutes of the bug world. They do "it" all day, spread disease, and who knows where they've been. They also have ninja type qualities. When you see one, you go look for something to hit it with and you take longer if you don't want to hit it with your new shoe or have trouble finding something flat. By the time you have your weapon ready, the little bastard is already gone. So you go sit down, feeling paranoid, knowing it's somewhere, watching you. After you feel comfortable that it's gone, that son of a bitch is chilling right next to you.


Let's not forget, they eat their own poo. But then again they did outlive the dinosaurs.....


Crickets

These bugs are pretty tame , but they more than make up for it with their mental problems. Some people say they are "making music" with their legs like a bow on a violin, they actually suffer from tourettes and paranoia. First they freak out and can't stop saying,"Hey, hey hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" Then when you get close, the paranoia sets in, it becomes silent and you can't figure out where the hell the noise was coming from. The worse is the surprise attack, when they hop at you and you yell, "WTF is that?!"


More than anything though, they are annoying. Because I live in a hot climate and crickets chirp at higher rates the hotter the temperature is, I think I get the short end of the stick living here. Kind of ironic that only the males do the chirping eh? However, they "sing" aggressive when telling others off, quietly when "doing it," and a victory song after finishing mating. Yep, sounds about right haha.


Spiders

They are not very fast bugs but I think the danger factor and all the extra body parts is what makes me shit my pants when I see them. I never understood why they were so aggressive but then I imagined if I was being approached by something huge and I saw eight of everything, like being attacked by a clone army.


The only thing that grosses me out about them is that they can be as hairy as Robin Williams and that they kidnap things in their butt-string. Does it smell? Would I need a tiny nose to know?


I would feel better if they wore shoes on all of their eight legs and a tiny hat, yeah that would work. And maybe a manacle..... and a cane?


I could give you examples from every bug species, but there are 1.3 million different ones and I just don't have that kind of time.


I tried to sympathize with them and imagined what was going through a bug's mind when being assaulted with bug spray. "Rain? Indoors? Wait, is that the smell of flowers? How nice! Cough, cough. Can't breathe!" Then they start kicking their legs frantically and slowly stop moving. They are so dramatic. I'm going to record some sad violin music and play it in the background after spraying one of those suckers. No bug funerals though, just one flush and a trip to sea.


Thanks for coming back readers, old and new. Just remember, if you hate bugs, move to Antarctica, there's no spiders there.